


Dark Self

by Colleen17



Category: Emergency!
Genre: Depression, F/M, Friendship, M/M, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-18
Updated: 2013-08-26
Packaged: 2017-12-20 13:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 37,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/887707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colleen17/pseuds/Colleen17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you take a look at yourself and you don't like what you see.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set after season six...

Johnny had met his match. It seemed Josh Edwards had made more spectacular rescues, came up with better ideas for improving the Paramedic Program and was better looking with his more than spectacular muscle physique. Johnny stood in the background listening to yet another story of how Josh single handed saved a little girl. Problem was he did single handed save her. Johnny along with the rest of the crew was too busy trying to tie off the rope that was keeping the car from going over a cliff.

Three young nurses hung on every word he said. Johnny wondered why Josh’s stories were so much better when he told them than when Johnny told a similar story. He would lose the nurses attention within the first minute. He looked at his watch and decided to break up the ‘Adoring Perfect Paramedic Josh’ party.

“Josh…We need to get back to the station.” John grabbed their supplies and started to head for the squad.

Josh looked over at Johnny and frowned, not liking the interruption but understanding his partner’s work ethics. “What’s your hurry?” He called out to his departing partner.

Without turning around, Johnny sighed and answered. “A little thing called duty.” Josh shook his head, but understood.

“Sorry ladies…I have to go. We’ll continue this when I’m back, no doubt with another successful save.” He kissed the backs of the nurses’ hands one by one and smiled his gleaming white toothy smile at each nurse. They swooned over his attention. He was quite the charmer.

When Josh got into the passenger side of the squad he scowled at his senior partner. “What’s your hurry?”

“I want to get back to the station. The log books need to be completed.” Josh nodded understandingly. Johnny started up the squad and drove cautiously away from Rampart hospital. He missed Roy DeSoto, his long-time paramedic partner and best friend. Roy was on six months leave. The department had made the decision to use the six months to have their most active senior paramedic train up their newest ‘boy wonder’ recruit.

Johnny had been excited about being chosen to train the No.1 placed latest recruit to come out of the paramedic program but that was soon replaced with jealousy. Josh Edwards had not only turned out to be an extremely nice guy but had everything to go with it. He had good looks, well-built body, good conversationalist, extremely skilful and seemed to have plenty of money. He was forever donating large sums of money to worthy causes. The senior paramedic found himself hating everything about Josh for no reason other than jealousy.

It was late in the day and the paramedics were following up on a patient at Rampart. Johnny stood and lent against the nurses counter, sipping coffee and watched Josh score a date with one of the young nurses. He couldn’t understand why she would say yes so quickly when he would have to work on the nurse for days just to get a maybe. He looked down at himself. _‘Maybe she doesn’t like skinny guys.’_ He thought to himself. There wasn’t that much difference in age but there was a difference in personalities that Johnny had not remembered up until now about himself.

Johnny thought back to when he and Roy had an English fireman ride along with them. That man was a genuine hero and had never said anything or bragged about his past achievements. He had been a really nice person and like Josh had scored a date with a nurse Johnny had been trying to get a date with for some time. Johnny had realised back then that his personality was flawed but looking at himself now he suddenly recognized that he had done nothing about it. He had also allowed jealousy to rule his thoughts.

Another thing that bothered him was that when Josh identified problems in the paramedic program, unlike himself, he was able to come up with really feasible solutions. He wondered why, if he was able to see the same problems, he was unable to find the solutions. He didn’t think it was because he lacked intelligence but maybe, he thought, education. Josh was part of the new breed of paramedics, college graduates.

College cost money, something he lacked. He thought maybe he should start small by doing some night courses that weren’t costly. He would have to choose carefully. There was no point in doing a course that he didn’t benefit from. He made a decision that on his next day off to investigate what courses were available at the local schools and colleges close to his apartment. Once that decision was made he felt a little better about himself and didn’t find Josh so annoying. He had something other than his perfect partner to focus on.

Roy had been on leave for two months. His shoulder, which had been giving him trouble for some time, after a difficult rescue, had become extremely painful and limited in movement. Dr Brackett ordered some tests, and it turned out to be a tear in the supraspinatus tendon of the shoulder. It was operated on three weeks after the rescue and then after four weeks of healing he would need a further three to six months of physical therapy before he would hopefully be back in the squad.

Johnny helped out by doing the yard work for Roy on his days off. It wasn’t long before Roy noticed a change in his usually vibrant partner. Some people might have labelled the change as maturity or even ‘settling down’ but Roy knew his partner better than most people. He saw it as withdrawal and could see the beginnings of depression.

Every time Roy mentioned Josh’s name, Johnny was quick to say what a great guy he was and what a real asset to the department he is. Roy could see that Johnny was trying very hard to be positive and cheerful about everything. Everything except for himself that is. That kind of behaviour in his partner immediately sent off alarm bells. This was not his best friend and he found himself worrying about him. This didn’t help the healing process of his shoulder. The more he worried the slower his shoulder healed. It got to the point where Dr Brackett ordered him to get away and go on a holiday. The doctor hoped that would help Roy relax and concentrate on his healing shoulder. Johnny told Roy he thought it was a good idea and that he would look after his house while he was away.

Johnny knew his partner was worried about him and the more he tried to be upbeat the more he seemed to worry.

“Are you sure about this Johnny? Looking after the house, studying and working is a lot to take on. All the extra driving to and from my house alone is a lot for anyone to expect a friend to do.” Roy and his family were being driven to the airport by Johnny. They were going to spend two weeks in Hawaii.

“I’ll be fine Roy. After each shift I’ll drive to your house, pick up the mail, tidy up the yard, switch on some different lights, change around a few things….it’ll be fine. I’ll be home just a little later than usual.” Johnny kept a smile on his face trying desperately to show his partner that he was a good friend who genuinely wanted to help out; not the self-centred uncaring friend he really was and was trying to change. Roy reluctantly accepted his partner’s help but his heart was telling him something was not right about his partner.


	2. Chapter 2

The first couple of shifts, while Roy was away, went fairly well. Johnny had managed to look after his best friend’s house as promised and continue night school. The assignments, although difficult, were easily completed by using the down time at the station to type up his notes. Captain Stanley was all for his paramedic studying as long as it didn’t interfere with his duties. He was proud of Johnny trying to better himself.

“John I have an important report to do pal. Can you do that later?” Cap had been trying to concentrate on the same column for the past ten minutes. When Johnny typed he tended to whisper what he was typing at the same time.  It was very distracting.

“Oh sure…sorry Cap…I’ll type later when you’re finished.” Johnny gathered up his assignment and rose from his chair. He hadn’t meant to annoy his Captain and felt ashamed. “I am really sorry Cap…I’ll get out of your hair.”

“I really don’t mind you typing pal while I’m here….It’s just this particular report requires a lot of concentration.” Cap could see that he had upset his paramedic. He wouldn’t have said anything but this particular report was due that afternoon and he needed to get it finished.

“I understand Cap…This is my personal work and what you’re doing is very important. Would you like a fresh cup of coffee?” Hank observed his paramedic’s front. On the outside he seemed happy to leave and put his typing on hold for his Captain, but underneath Hank could see something entirely different. His young paramedic had been troubling him a lot lately. He seemed uncharacteristically reserved, always trying to seem cheerful when in fact he seemed apprehensive.

“Is everything alright John….you coping with the course?” Cap watched the different emotions cross over his paramedic’s face. His façade faltered slightly.

Johnny plastered a big smile on his face but the Cap could see that it didn’t reach his eyes. “The course is going great Cap. I know it’s going to improve me and help me contribute more to the job.” Cap furrowed his eyebrows. “What about that fresh cup of coffee Cap?” Johnny picked up his superior’s cup and rushed out of the office. He felt terrible for holding up the Cap and his report. _‘Get it together Gage and help the man, not hinder him.’_ Johnny told himself. He grabbed a fresh cup and filled it with coffee. He put some cookies on a small plate and took them into his Captain’s office.

“There you go Cap…I’ll leave you to it.” Johnny was gone before Hank could question him further. While he was working on his report the squad was called out to a run.

When Captain Stanley finally finished the report he decided that he would sit John down and have a talk with him. Something was definitely not right with his paramedic. To think that he needed to improve himself so that he did a better job was not what Cap had expected him to say. He was exceptional at his job; in fact, he and Roy were classed by the department as the best paramedic team in the county. He and all the crew thought that John was studying to improve, himself, not the fireman/paramedic.

Johnny watched Josh administer Dr Brackett’s instructions. He skilfully started an IV and calmed the agitated patient. The young man had come off his bike and had skidded along the road. He was covered in road rash and had dislocated his shoulder. Johnny helped Josh immobilise the shoulder and lightly cover the wounds on the young man’s body. 

Josh looked up at his senior partner with concern. They both knew the young man would have to endure the debridement of the large graze and that it would be extremely painful. “I’ll go in with him Johnny.”

Johnny nodded and placed the drug box and biophone in with Josh in the ambulance. He stood and watched the ambulance drive away. Josh had handled himself well Johnny thought. He berated himself for not letting the new paramedic know that he was doing a good job. _‘He must think you’re a total ass.’_ Johnny told himself. _‘Too wrapped up in yourself John. Start looking after your partner. What would Roy think?’_

Johnny got into the squad mumbling to himself. His self-loathing was getting worse as Josh gained confidence. Johnny didn’t see that he was mentoring the new recruit into a good paramedic. He only saw his own faults and became his worst critic. The more he tried to change, the more flaws he saw in his personality. Like many times before when he had an issue with something, Johnny was becoming obsessed. Changing his personality to become a better person was getting out of control.

He arrived at the hospital and waited for Josh to exit the treatment room. Dixie sat and watched her long-time friend fidget. She like, Roy and Cap, had seen and not liked the changes in her friend.

“How’s the night school going Johnny?” Johnny, startled, glanced at Dixie before answering.

“It’s going really well Dix. Hopefully I’ll be better at my job when I’m finished.” Dixie frowned at the statement.

“You are good at your job Johnny. I thought the course was a management course.”

“Yeah Dix…It is….But it will help me be more aware of how things fit in…You have to admit Dix, apart from the Fire Academy and the Paramedic Program I don’t have much education. This course will broaden my knowledge so that I’m not so ignorant when it comes to the broader picture.” Johnny half smiled as he looked towards the treatment room once again.

Dixie furrowed her eyebrows. This was not the John Gage she knew and loved. Johnny continued. “Josh is going really well…he’s going to be one of the best paramedics to come out of the program.” At that same moment the man being talked about came out of the treatment room talking to Dr Brackett. Johnny watched them talk and wished he was intelligent enough to carry on similar conversations with Dr Brackett. He knew in the past, he now thought through ignorance, had tried to change the system to make it better only to end up arguing with Dr Brackett. Josh seemed to be able to converse with the doctor on the same level and get his point of view across more easily.

As if he heard Johnny’s thoughts, the doctor looked over at the paramedic and smiled. “How’s it going Johnny? Josh keeping you on your toes?” Johnny blinked at the doctor, surprised he spoke to him so cheerfully.

“He’s going real well Doc. In fact I thought on the drive over that I’ve been very remiss for not telling Josh what a good job he’s doing.” He smiled widely hoping that Dr Brackett would forgive him for not being more supportive of the new paramedic.

“Thanks Johnny…Coming from you that means a lot.” Josh said with all sincerity.

Johnny frowned at Josh’s statement. He didn’t think that Josh should consider that whatever he said was that important. “What I say doesn’t matter that much Josh…It’s what the Docs here at the hospital think and Cap back at the station. They’re the important ones…and I’m sure they’re real happy with you.” Johnny looked at Dr Brackett expectantly.

Dr Brackett was taken aback by Johnny’s statement but he recovered quickly. “You’re doing a fine job Josh…I would expect nothing less since you have the best teacher.” He slapped Johnny on the back trying to reassure the paramedic and impress that he was the reason Josh was doing so well.

John didn’t react. He gathered their equipment and said goodbye to Dixie and Dr Brackett. Dixie stood beside the doctor and watched the paramedic team leave. “Something’s not right with Johnny. Where has the young confident happy go lucky man gone?”

“I don’t know Dix. I know Roy was worried about him…quite frankly after that conversation so am I. I’m going to have a talk with Hank.” He left Dixie and headed to his office. One of the best paramedics in the county was not acting like himself. The young arrogant man that he had butted heads with over the past six years was not the man he had just spoken to. He now realised Roy had been justified for being worried about his partner.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Dr Brackett never did get to make the call to Captain Hank Stanley. He had been side tracked by another doctor and then swamped with patients from a pile up on the 405. That same pile up had stopped Hank from having his talk with John. When they had been finally released from the scene, Hank had to spend the rest of the evening finishing his report.

They had been busy during the night also. A big warehouse fire had kept them out for five hours. The paramedics along with the rest of the crew were exhausted when they got back to the station. They showered, changed and left, having worked two hours over their end of shift time.

Johnny was in a dark place. He sat on Roy’s couch waiting for the police to arrive. He had been late arriving at Roy’s house, having been held up with the fire. His best friend’s house had been broken into. If he had just gotten to the house earlier he may have stopped whoever or stopped them altogether by just being at the house.

All he could think about was how disappointed Roy would be with him. He had assured his partner that he would look after his house and now it looked like a cyclone had hit it. The house had been ransacked. The kitchen was covered in food and broken packaging. The bedrooms had clothes strewn all over the rooms. The front room was not only a mess but was missing the TV and stereo. Some of Roy’s records had been trodden on and broken. Johnny felt sick to his stomach.

He heard a car pull up into the driveway and then a car door close. He also heard the tell-tale sounds of a two way radio. _‘That must be the police.’_ He thought and stood to open the door. There was a knock and Johnny immediately opened the door. He sighed with relief when his friend Vince greeted him.

“Come on in Vince…It’s not pretty.” Johnny opened the door wider and swept his hand around the room showing Vince the mess. Vince let out a whistle and shook his head.

“The detectives were after a green two door sedan yesterday. They hit a lot of homes in this area. They were just one step behind them…couldn’t catch them.” Vince walked carefully around the house. “Do you know what’s missing?” Johnny nodded.

“I know the TV and stereo are missing from this room. Not too sure about the other rooms. I think a portable TV is missing from Roy and Joanne’s bedroom.”

“Wait a minute…This is Roy’s house?” Vince had been writing everything down in his notebook. He was surprised to hear that this wasn’t Johnny’s house.

“I’ve been looking after the house while Roy and his family are away. They’re on holiday in Hawaii….Oh God…What am I going to tell Roy? He trusted me to look after his house…and now look at it.” Vince understood how Johnny felt. “I switched different lights on each time I came to the house. I changed around pot plants on the front patio. I raked up all the leaves…brought in the mail…I don’t understand…I was only late this once and now…” Vince frowned.

“Johnny I can guarantee this robbery happened yesterday during the day. They would have knocked on the door at different times last week and got no answer. It’s not your fault.” Johnny was pacing and shaking his head. Vince sighed. “You’ll need to find out if anything else is missing.” Vince told the agitated paramedic.

“I’ll clean all this up and that should tell me what’s missing.” Johnny put his hand on his chest. “I’ll replace everything. It’s the least I could do for Roy. I’ve let him down badly.” Johnny walked into the kitchen and grabbed some trash bags. He wrote down the names of the damaged food packets before putting them in the trash bag. Vince shook his head and walked around the house noting the rooms that had been ransacked.

“I’m going Johnny. I’ll file the report and let you know if the detectives get any leads. I’ll need the serial numbers of the TV s and stereo.” Johnny straightened up and thought.

“I think I know where Roy keeps all those details. I’ll call them in.” Vince waved and shook his head and left. That was too big a job for one person to take on he thought. He would give Captain Stanley a call and let him know what was happening.

Johnny was close to collapsing. After being up most of the night and now was trying to clean up his best friend’s home he was totally exhausted. The list of things to replace grew with each minute. He would have to delve into what little savings he had to buy everything. _‘Maybe I can hock a few things to get some cash.’_

There was a knock on the door. Johnny stopped what he was doing and was in two minds whether to answer the door. ‘ _What if they came back?’_ Wild thoughts started to run through his mind.

“John, are you in there?” Captain Stanley’s voice came through the closed door. Johnny sighed with relief. He opened the door and was surprised to see Cap and his wife standing on the front porch. They had buckets and cleaning items in their hands. “Vince called me John.”

Johnny stood in the doorway. Hank thought he looked wiped out. “Can we come in John?” Mrs Stanley asked.

“Oh yeah…sorry…sure come in. I’ve put everything that’s broken in trash bags. I haven’t touched the bedrooms yet but that’s mainly just putting all the clothes back in drawers.” The Stanley’s looked at all the trash bags.

Cap put his hand on his paramedic’s shoulder. “John, have you slept at all…eaten?” He was concerned, the young man had dark circles under his eyes and he looked like he was near collapse.

“I…I...I’ve got to clean up Roy’s house….He trusted me Cap to look after it. I got here late this morning and…and…” Johnny suddenly felt light headed. Cap grabbed his arm and steadied him.

“Come sit down John.” He steered the distraught man to the nearest chair. Mrs Stanley handed her husband a cup of coffee. “Drink this. It’s fresh and hot.” Johnny took the cup and sipped the coffee. Mrs Stanley opened a box and handed Johnny a donut. “Eat John and drink that coffee.” Captain Stanley picked up the phone and called Mike Stoker.

Johnny watched the Stanley’s take charge. _‘I’m hopeless…Cap and his wife shouldn’t have to do this. Not only have I let Roy down…now I’m wasting Cap’s time.”_ Johnny sighed and screwed up his face. He thought the Cap had taken charge because he knew Johnny wasn’t to be trusted to do the right thing by Roy. He sat and berated himself and felt like a complete failure.

Cap had not meant to make his young paramedic feel that way. He was a born leader and took charge because he thought not only did his paramedic need a break but it was what he did best. He only wanted to help relieve his paramedic of the burden of cleaning up Roy’s house by himself. When Vince had called him about the break-in and told him that Johnny was going to clean up by himself, he and his wife made their way over to the house immediately.

Johnny looked down at the list of items to buy. He watched his Captain and his wife pick up the trash bags and put them on the front porch. Guilt swept over him and he spiralled into a world of self-loathing.


	4. Chapter 4

Mike arrived in his pick-up truck. Josh stepped out of the passenger side of the truck. They greeted Cap and walked towards the house to inspect the damage.

"Johnny had bagged all of this before we got here. He’s been here since end of shift." Cap told them as they entered the house. Josh looked around and shook his head. The inside of the house was a mess. They could see that whoever broke in did a thorough search of the house.

"They sure did a number on it." Josh said as he scanned the room. His eyes fell on his partner who looked like he was in a world of misery. Mike approached him with Josh a couple of steps behind. Mike knelt down in front of the paramedic and put his hand on his knee.

"Johnny, have you called Roy?" Johnny shook his head. He grimaced at the thought of telling Roy.

"What do I say to him Mike? I let him down." The distraught paramedic rubbed his trembling hands over his face. “I sh…should have got here sooner…If only I got here sooner.” Mike frowned and looked up at his friends. As he straightened he looked at Josh questionably. Mike didn't understand why Johnny was blaming himself. Normally Johnny would be ranting about the number of break-ins and how the police should stop them. He prompted Josh to talk to his partner and hopefully use his paramedic training to help him. 

 "Johnny, have you had any sleep since we finished shift?" The senior paramedic shook his head. "How about you come with us to the waste disposal and you can snooze in the truck." Josh knew he needed to get his partner away from the house otherwise he would never relax. He looked totally exhausted and thought the exhaustion was causing him to not think straight. If he could get him to at least take a nap, then hopefully he would see things in a better frame of mind.

"That's a great idea. We'll keep working here while you three get rid of the trash bags." Cap helped Johnny up and nudged him towards the front door before he could protest. "Mike grab some lunch on the way back. Here." Cap shoved a twenty into his engineer's hand. Josh led Johnny outside and grabbed a bag to put in the back of Mike's truck. Johnny automatically grabbed a bag and followed Josh. He hadn’t realised how much time had passed since he made the grim discovery this morning. He went to grab another bag but Josh put his hand on it to stop the senior paramedic.

“Why don’t you sit in the truck and relax.” The anguish on his partner’s face made Josh take a step back.

“I know what you are thinking. I know I messed up but I can take care of it.” Johnny went to grab the bag again. Josh glanced at Mike not knowing what to say.

"You must have been at it all morning? We just want to help John." Mike watched his friend grab another bag and then stop and consider what he said.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t take it out on you guys. This is all my fault and you’re only trying to help.” Johnny berated himself for being so ungrateful. _‘You’re such an ass Gage.’_ He shoved the bag harder into the truck than he meant to. He took a deep breath to calm himself and plastered his best smile on his face. “I just need to grab a few things from the kitchen.” He rushed into the house.

“I didn’t mean to make him feel that way.” Mike put his hand on the paramedic's shoulder and squeezed it. “Do you think he still wants to work with me?” Mike nodded his head.

“Go after him…Go.” Mike pushed Josh towards the front door. When Josh looked back at Mike the engineer waved for him to go.

Josh approached Johnny cautiously. The senior partner was holding a list in his hand, staring at it. He didn’t look up as he spoke. "The kitchen was a mess. I made a list of all the food that was trashed...They broke a lot of things including some of Roy's records." Josh sighed and watched Johnny fiddle with the list between his fingers. He didn't know what to say to make his partner feel better.

"Why do they have to trash the place? Just take the TV and stereo and be done with it." Cap complained as he joined his paramedics in the kitchen.

"They were probably looking for hidden cash. Some housewives hide money in their kitchen." Josh told his friends. "My mom used to hide money in her tin of tea." Johnny thought what Josh said made sense.

"You're right. My mom used to hide money in a jar at the back of her pantry...till me and my brother found it. We went down to the corner store and bought candy. We were sick for two days." Mike said as he joined the group. That made Johnny smile. Josh was relieved to see the smile break out on his partner's face. “We need to go.” The paramedics nodded and followed Mike out to his truck. Johnny watched Josh gracefully jump in the back and pull the cover over the bags. Mike tied it off.

Josh jumped down and landed next to Johnny. “Middle or window?”

“Huh!” Johnny regarded Josh.

“Do you want to sit in the middle or by the window?” Josh smiled his white toothy smile that he often gave the young nurses.

Johnny blinked. “Window if that’s ok.”

“Sure.” Josh jumped into the seat and sat himself in the middle. Mike smiled at him as he got in. Johnny slowly got in and regarded his partner. _‘Why is he being so nice after the way I treated him?’_ Johnny asked himself as he lent his head against the window. He needed to stop taking his selfishness out on his friends. Again he loathed himself for not being able to change his ways. Whenever he was around Josh he felt slightly jealous and had been trying to overcome those feelings. He blamed his inability to change himself for the better, once again.

He watched the landscape rush past him as he stared out the window. He was so tired from lack of sleep, the emotional turmoil caused by the break-in and battling with his feelings. His eyes grew heavy and soon he was fast asleep.

“Is he asleep?” Mike asked as he turned the pick-up onto the motorway.

“Yeah…he’s so cute when he’s asleep.”

“Careful Josh, he might hear.” Josh sighed and nodded. He glanced again at his partner then turned and looked at Mike. The engineer gave him a nudge with his elbow. “Just give him time…he’s going through some stuff. You’ll have to be patient.” Josh nodded and half smiled. He had seen changes in the senior paramedic and his mood swings did worry him.

“I’m sorry to give you the bad news Roy.” Cap had called Roy, using the number left by the phone. “Johnny is feeling very guilty and blaming himself….but Vince said that a lot of homes were hit in your area. The detectives had been chasing them all over the district. From what we can tell your TV and stereo is all they got.” Cap listened to Roy and wrote down where Joanne had hidden her jewellery. He also asked about the TV from their room. “That’s gone too.” He wrote down Roy’s insurance details. “I’ll get John to contact them. Roy then asked Cap about his partner. “He’s not doing all that well Roy. He seems to think that he’s not good at his job and that he needs to better himself. I don’t know what has got into him.”

Roy explained to Cap what he had thought was going on with his best friend. He mentioned that he thought he was showing the early signs of depression. Cap let out a breath. It all suddenly made sense. “I think you’re on the right track there Roy. I’ll speak to Dr Brackett and get him to have a talk to him. Maybe he can recommend what we should do.”

Cap heard Mike’s truck pull into the driveway. “I’ve got to go Roy. We’ll see you on Saturday…and don’t worry…we’ll look after John.” He hung up the phone just before the three men entered the house. Johnny looked like he had just woken up. Cap smiled and led them into the now clean kitchen.

Cap knew what he had to do. When he and his wife finally get home he would call Dr Brackett and get his paramedic the help he needs before it's too late. He hoped that this break-in hadn’t sent the troubled paramedic over the edge.


	5. Chapter 5

Johnny spent his second day off purchasing the items on his list. The food items were easy to replace but some of the household items proved to be difficult. He was especially finding it hard to replace all of Roy’s records. Some of the older ones weren’t in stock. He was busy filling the kitchen cupboards and doing a last minute check on the house when there was a knock on the door.

Johnny peeked out the front window before answering and saw that it was Chet standing at the front door. He opened the door, surprised to see the Irishman standing there. “I just heard…I came to see if you needed any help.”

Johnny opened the door wider and gestured the man in. “It’s all cleaned up. I’m just replacing some of the broken items and food.” Johnny walked towards the kitchen. Chet followed, he had expected to see a completely different house. Mike called last night to fill him in. He said that the house looked like a cyclone had hit it. “You should have seen the kitchen Chet. Food had been thrown all over it. Jars had been opened and emptied. Josh said they were most likely looking for cash.” Chet nodded in agreement.

The kitchen was sparkling. “Who cleaned it all up?” Chet could see no evidence of the break-in.

Johnny hung his head. He was embarrassed to admit that Captain Stanley and his wife had done a lot of the cleaning. He forgot how much he had done before they arrived. He cleared his throat. “Cap and his wife….Mike and Josh helped clear away the trash and helped repair some of the broken furniture.” Johnny looked up at Chet despairingly. “I feel terrible…I didn’t mean for them to spend their day off helping me…I would have done it…but I guess…they made sure it was done right.” Johnny looked away. He didn’t want to see the condemnation in Chet’s eyes.

Chet frowned. “Did you ask them to come over?”

“No!” Johnny answered quickly.

“So they came over on their own free will?”

“Y…yeah.” Johnny answered slowly, wondering what Chet was hinting at.

Chet shrugged his shoulders. “Then don’t feel terrible…they obviously wanted to help. Roy’s their friend too.”

Johnny thought over Chet’s words. “I guess you’re right…and they wanted to make sure it was done right.”

“You already said that…but you’re wrong…They just wanted to help you. From what Stoker told me…it was too big a job for one man. Just take it for what it is Johnny…friends helping out.” Johnny ran his hand through his hair contemplating Chet’s explanation.

He sighed, “I guess you could be right.”

“Cause’ I am.” Chet’s mouth twitched. He was hoping he had changed Johnny’s mind because he too had noticed his friend’s behaviour had been different since Roy’s operation. “What else has to be done?” He thought his friend looked very tired.

“I was just running my eyes over everything as a last check and then I was going to search through some more record stores for Roy’s records.” Johnny had his list in his hand. Chet reached for it.

“What records do you need?” Johnny pointed to the ones he hadn’t been able to find. “These are pretty old. I have a friend who might be able to help.”

“He won’t cost much will he? I only have a few dollars left.” Johnny looked in his wallet. He only had around forty dollars left of his savings.

“You didn’t buy all this stuff yourself?” He looked up from the list and then examined the front room. He noticed that the TV and stereo looked very similar to Johnny’s. “Is that your TV and stereo?”

Johnny nodded his head. “I didn’t want Roy to come home to no TV and stereo. It’s ok….with work and night school I don’t have much time for TV.”

“Johnny….Roy’s insurance will replace his TV and stereo…and…all this stuff.” He held up the list. “You don’t have to pay for it.”

“You don’t understand Chet. Roy trusted me to look after his house….I have to make it up to him. I said I would take care of his house and I failed to do that. I was late getting here that morning…I shouldn’t have showered…I should have come straight over here. Roy was expecting me to keep his house safe so I’m the one who should put things back the way they were. That’s what good friend’s do, right?”

Chet stared in disbelief as his confident, sometimes arrogant, friend put himself down. He was lost for words. What was going through Johnny’s mind? “Johnny, Roy won’t think this was your fault. Vince said they hit a lot of houses. It wouldn’t have mattered what time you got here. The house was broken into the day before.”

Johnny wasn’t listening; he continued to check the rest of the house. When he finished he told Chet that everything looked fine except for a crack in a mirror, in Roy’s daughter’s room. Chet took the list from his friend and told him he’d get the records. Johnny insisted he take what money he had left. Chet knew Roy’s insurance would cover it so he intended to give the money back to his friend. He would pay for the records in the meantime and get the money off Roy later.

“I’ll see you Sunday Chet and thanks for coming over and offering to help.” Johnny was glad he had remembered to thank his friend although he felt guilty leaving the list with him to find the missing records.

The paramedic drove home and berated himself once more. He had failed to make Roy’s house perfect. There was still the cracked mirror and records. He didn’t realise that he had done more than Roy would have expected from his friend. Instead his thoughts went to the dark place they had been dwelling in for some time. _‘You need to show Roy that you’ve changed and that he can trust you. When you pick them up, make sure you don’t draw attention to yourself. That’s the old Johnny. It’s got to be all about them, not yourself.’_ Satisfied that he had identified and changed one of his bad habits, he felt a little better about picking up Roy and his family. He was also hoping Chet was right about Roy not blaming him for the break-in even though he still blamed himself.

Cap was sitting in Dr Brackett’s office discussing his paramedic’s recent behaviour. “I have to tell you Hank, I too have been a little concerned. I had a conversation with Johnny a few days ago and I didn’t like what I was hearing. I think Roy may be right about his partner. He’s showing the early signs of depression.”

Cap deflated. “I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then Roy told me how he felt and it all fits….but why? What’s changed to cause this?”

“It could be a number of things Hank. No one really knows exactly why. I get the impression that he doesn’t like who he is....something or someone has undoubtedly and innocently I might add, caused him to take a look at himself and he's questioning who he is. I don’t know why…we all love Johnny for who he is but he can't see that...the depression is blinding him and making him think unreasonably about himself. I know we’ve butted heads from time to time but that’s because we both care about our jobs. It’s never been personal. Whatever or whoever has come into contact with him has brought some deep feelings to the surface. I suspect Johnny's always had doubts about himself but has been able to cope with it up until now.” Dr Brackett’s mouth twitched. There was a thought that he wanted to discuss but he had to tread carefully. “One thing comes to mind.”

Cap saw that Dr Brackett was reluctant to say what he was thinking. “What would that be?”

“How do Johnny and Josh get on? I’ve heard some rumours. I’m not one to listen to gossip…but…has there been any animosity or unease between the paramedics?”

Cap thought for a minute and ran the shifts quickly through his head, searching for any signs. He wondered what rumours Dr Brackett was referring to.  “To be honest it was a rocky start at first. I think John found Josh to be…too good…he was a little jealous but when he took on the night school he seemed to settle down…but then I noticed little comments here and there where he would put himself down. He’d assure me that he would change for the better…do better next time. I got the feeling he was comparing himself to Josh. He saw how accomplished Josh is and I think he felt inadequate in comparison.” Dr Brackett nodded as he listened. “I talked to the crew and they all said that they’ve noticed changes in John. They all said that they are reluctant to say anything to John…because he might take it the wrong way and think they’re criticizing him, rather than trying to help him. Any discussion seems to bring on the self-judging.”

“It all fits Hank. I’m afraid he is definitely showing the classic signs of depression. Josh may be a part of it but I suspect there is more to it. I don’t want to move Josh on a hunch…besides Johnny is doing a great job mentoring him. I just wish **he** knew it.”

“Well what do we do about it? I don’t want to lose one of the best paramedics in the county. John’s family and in the fire department we look after our family.” Dr Brackett smiled at Hank’s declaration. Getting Johnny to acknowledge that he has a problem without pushing him deeper into depression will be difficult. He would have to tread carefully with his friend and like Hank he was determined to help. Johnny may be part of the fire department’s family but he is also part of the Rampart family and like the fire department they look after their own.


	6. Chapter 6

Johnny was waiting at the arrival gates for Roy and his family. He was hoping he was still his best friend after what he had allowed to happen to his friend’s house. Chet had managed to replace the remaining records but the cracked mirror was a reminder of his inability to complete yet another task.

He smiled widely when he caught sight of the DeSotos. They looked tanned and healthy from their holiday. Roy looked especially relaxed and happy. Johnny’s stomach flipped, as the worries from the break-in came to mind. Last thing he wanted was to spoil the atmosphere so he tried to keep his emotions under control and give off a happy outlook.

Roy saw his best friend waiting for them and watched the emotions pass over his face like shadows. He saw the smile appear on Johnny’s face but it didn’t reach his eyes. He put his concerns aside not wanting to break up the happy mood of his family. Cap had told him of John’s guilt and wanted desperately to prove to his partner that they were not blaming him.

Johnny immediately reached for the smaller bag Joanne was carrying. He held out his hand and shook Roy’s. “Hi, how was your holiday? How’s the shoulder?”

“Great and good.” Roy smiled as he answered. “You were right about Hawaii….it is beautiful and relaxing. I should have gone there instead of that farm.” Roy slapped his friend on the back.

Johnny chuckled at the comment remembering when Roy was trying to decide where to go on a holiday and made the snap decision to go and stay on a farm. The holiday turned out to be a disaster. Johnny had told Roy back then to go to Hawaii. He also remembered that it was his fault that Roy went to the farm having shown him the ad. “I’m sorry about that…I shouldn’t have shown you that ad and maybe you and your family would have discovered Hawaii earlier.”

Roy kept calm. Johnny had taken his ribbing the wrong way. “If we had already been to Hawaii….this trip wouldn’t have been so exciting. I don’t regret it so don’t you?” Roy’s heart raced as he saw that Johnny was no better than when he left. He realised at that moment, that his friend had a long hard road ahead of him. “Let’s get the rest of our luggage.”

As he drove the DeSoto family home, Johnny listened to Roy’s son Chris describe some of the sights they saw. He also told Johnny how his dad got them lost on Kauai. They had booked a day trip to the island and hired a car. Johnny shook his head. “That has to be a first….How do you get lost on a small island?”

“We went the wrong way. Instead of going north we went south…Easy mistake.” Roy admitted shrugging his shoulders but was smiling. Johnny glanced at his friend hoping he hadn’t offended him but he could see that Roy was not. He sighed with relief. He wanted to change his know it all ways.

“I have to confess that I got lost on the big isle Hawaii. I was trying to get to a particular spot to take some photos of the volcano up close but ended up on the other side. It didn’t matter…I got some great shots of the crater just not as close.” Johnny tried to show Roy that he too could get lost.

“Coool! You saw the volcano? Did it smell? I watched a story on TV in our hotel on the volcano and they said it smelled like rotten eggs.” Roy and Johnny both laughed. It was so good to have his best friend and family back, Johnny thought.

When they arrived at the house Johnny sensed a change in Roy and Joanne’s mood as they anticipated the state of their house. He allowed them to go ahead and enter the house without him. He stood back and waited for the gasps. He was surprised when Roy raced back out and helped him with some of the luggage. He made sure his partner didn’t lift the heavier bags as he was still on a restricted weight for his shoulder. He followed Roy into the house.

“I thought the TV and stereo were taken?” Joanne asked as she pointed to the said items. Roy frowned at their familiarity.

“Aren’t they your TV and stereo?” Roy turned and faced his partner.

Johnny nodded not looking Roy in the eye. “I…I don’t need them…With night school and work…” Johnny shrugged his shoulders.

“That’s very kind of you Johnny. I’m sure the insurance company won’t take long so we’ll be able to return them to you in no time.” Johnny looked up in surprise.

 _‘Kind of you?’_ “Thanks, I…I…I was just trying to be a good friend and I wanted to make up for not looking after your house like I promised.”

This time Roy frowned. “Johnny, the break-in was not your fault.” He ran his hand through his hair. “It happens…a lot…unfortunately. We were lucky we had a good friend to look after things. Apart from the TV and stereo being different…” He waved his hand around the room. “Everything looks the same. Thank you. Cap told me what a mess it was.”

“You wouldn’t know now. The house looks tidier than before we left.” Joanne chuckled to herself. Last minute packing had meant that a few items were left on the beds and the floor.

Just at that moment Roy’s daughter entered the room. “All my dollies are in different places. Do you think they had a party while I was away?” She looked up at her parents innocently.

“They probably had a party every day we were away.” Joanne picked up her daughter. “Come on let’s get something to drink.” She looked over her shoulder. “I’ll make some coffee.” She entered her very clean kitchen and smiled. Their friends had done a wonderful job at cleaning the house.

“I’m sorry about that and the mirror.” Johnny said bowing his head.

“Mirror?” Roy was confused.

“The mirror in her bedroom is cracked…I’ll get it replaced…I didn’t see that it was cracked until yesterday when I was replacing all the food and I did a final check on the house.”

Roy was shaking his head. “Replacing the food…your TV and stereo…what else?”

Johnny misunderstood and thought Roy was mad at him over the mirror. He pulled out the list he made. “These are all the items that were broken and I replaced them all…so you don’t have to worry….I really am sorry about the mirror.” He watched Roy read down the list.

“You went out and bought all of this out of your own money?” Roy said in disbelief. Johnny nodded and waited for Roy to tell him that he no longer wanted him in his house. “I can’t believe that you did all of this for us.” Roy looked directly into his best friend’s eyes. “Thank you.”

Johnny felt a little stunned but recovered as he looked down at Roy’s outstretched hand. He slowly put his hand in his partner’s and was pulled into a hug. “You’re a good friend Johnny.” Roy said into his ear.

Johnny felt so relieved that he almost collapsed. A huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Roy felt his partner finally relax in his arms. He held onto him hoping to release the burdens of the break-in from his friend.

When they parted Roy for the first time in a while saw a genuine smile on his partner’s face. “Ahh…by the way Johnny…That crack in the mirror…Don’t worry about it. It was already there.”

“Oh.” Johnny nodded again feeling very relieved. Joanne entered the room with coffee and cookies. She smiled at her husband knowingly. He had worked his magic and put his best friend’s fears at ease. They sat and talked and Roy could almost see the old Johnny, but not quite. They still had a long way to go he thought but at least he had been able to level out one bump in the road. Finding out what was causing the depression was going to be the more difficult thing. That was the hard road ahead of his young friend.

The next day when Johnny arrived at the station he brought with him a box of donuts. He was down to his last ten dollars. With nothing left in his savings he knew he would be once again living on peanut butter sandwiches till next pay. He entered the kitchen and held up the box. “This is a thank you for helping out with Roys.” He placed the box in the middle of the table.

“How is Roy?” Cap asked his paramedic. He hoped that Roy had been able to convince John that he wasn’t to blame about the break-in.

“He’s good Cap. The shoulder is coming along…still a ways to go but he can raise his arm a bit further than before he left. He was real happy with the house and Joanne was too. She said it was tidier than before she left.” Cap thought John seemed a little more relaxed.

“Good morning all.” Josh called out as he entered the kitchen. “Donuts?”

“A thank you for helping out with Roys.” Johnny wanted to show everyone how grateful he was for their help. He wished he had the money to pay back Cap for the lunch he bought. He felt terribly guilty over the time and money the Cap and his wife spent on the day they cleaned up Roy’s house. Chet had tried to convince him that Cap wanted to do it as a friend but the guilt made him feel like a failure and worthless. He was beginning to wonder if his friends were better off without him.

Now when he looked at the half empty box of donuts he realised how inadequate a thankyou they were. He watched his partner pick a plain donut, leaving the jelly filled ones for others. Josh winked at Johnny. The senior paramedic felt a flutter in his stomach. He cleared his throat and picked up the paper. Josh had a way of making him feel different and he didn’t know why. He’s just being nice he told himself. He’s probably thinking what a cheap failure his partner is.

A concerned Cap watched his senior paramedic’s demeanour change. He now recognised the signs and could see the misery in the young man’s eyes as he sunk into the depths of depression. Roy may have been able to convince his partner that he wasn’t to blame about the break-in, but something else was making the young man miserable. He had to trust that Dr Brackett would provide the help that his paramedic needed.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Cap observed the paramedics going about their chores throughout the morning. Johnny completed the tasks quietly and efficiently. Dr Brackett had given him a checklist, to confirm if their hunches were in fact correct. He ticked frustration as he watched Johnny constantly rub his hand over his face and through his hair when he tried to clean the mirror in the locker room. He ticked another box, irritable; his jerky movements became increasingly erratic. At one stage Cap was going to step in and stop his paramedic from maybe breaking the mirror.  

His senior paramedic stopped cleaning and studied his reflection. “I can’t even clean a mirror properly.” Johnny said to himself despairingly. If Cap didn’t know his paramedic better he would have sworn he was about to cry.

Cap looked down at his list and grimaced. Six symptoms were already ticked. Dr Brackett had told him that he’d want to see him if he ticked three of the symptoms. He double checked what he had ticked. Guilty, irritable, frustrated, miserable and change in appetite. Dr Brackett had ticked off unhappy. He grimaced as he read the list. The klaxons sounded. The squad was called out to a run.

When the squad returned an hour later, it was time for lunch. They joined the engine crew. Johnny listened to the conversations around the table. He tuned into his partner telling the crew about his last holiday. He had spent it surfing at Jeffrey’s Bay, South Africa. Johnny hadn’t been out of the United States. _‘Nothing good ever happens to me. I’m a failure. They’d be better off without me.’_ The thoughts ran around his head confirming how boring he must seem to his friends in comparison. He started to worry about Roy and what he would think of Josh. If he saw how good Josh is, he might request him to be his partner. He wouldn’t blame him.

His appetite gone completely, Johnny got up and scraped his plate clean into the garbage. He started to wash up, his back creating a barrier between his friends and himself.

Mike watched Johnny leave the day room after washing the lunch dishes and isolate himself once more at the back of the station. He stood in the back doorway and observed his friend sit and stare at nothing. The normally happy, full of life paramedic was slowly disappearing leaving this shell of a person, a stranger.

“He didn’t eat much lunch.” Josh said from behind Mike.

“He normally has a big appetite but like a lot of things I’ve noticed that slowly fade away. If we don’t convince him to get help…” Mike turned and faced Josh. “I’m worried we’ll lose him.”

Josh nodded his head. In the short time he had known Johnny; he had seen the signs too. “If I tell him, he may not want to work with me again. I’ll leave you out of it but….”

“But what, Josh?” Mike put his hand on the younger man’s shoulder.

“I don’t want to lose my job or you.”

“It won’t come to that if we do this carefully. We’re not in the army….There’s no law against being gay and besides I’m prepared to move if we have to….but I don’t think Johnny will tell anyone….he’s not that kind of person.” Josh nodded trusting Mike’s instincts. “Talk to him….convince him that he is not alone and that there is help out there.” The klaxons sounded breaking up the conversation and sending the station out to a structure fire.

Cap watched both his paramedics enter the building. One worker was missing and the paramedics had the arduous task of finding him. None of the other employees could pinpoint where the fellow worker may have been before the fire broke out.

Cap worried about Johnny. After looking back on the last couple of weeks he now realised that his senior paramedic had allowed Josh to take control of all the runs the engine accompanied the squad on. He thought Johnny was letting Josh take control to get the much needed experience but now he could see that it was more than that. It was as if the senior paramedic thought Josh was the better rescuer, the better paramedic. Even today, Josh entered the building first, something Johnny always did in the past. Cap watched the scene carefully but his eyes constantly made their way back to the doorway that his paramedics disappeared into.

Ten very long minutes later the two paramedics came through the doorway carrying the worker between them. Cap brought his HT up and told everyone to evacuate the building. The fire had won, the building was lost. Their priority now was to stop the fire from spreading to other buildings.

Cap walked over to his paramedics. “How is he?”

Josh answered quickly. “He’s in cardiac arrest.”

The paramedics frantically worked on the victim. Cap watched Johnny closely noting his reluctance to take the lead and the mask of distress on his face. “We should have got to him sooner.” He heard the senior paramedic whisper to himself. Josh frowned looking up at his partner.

“You’re wrong Johnny.” He stated and continued to try to bring the worker back. He defibrillated twice but there was no conversion. Johnny started CPR while Josh administered the medication ordered by Dr Brackett. He defibrillated again but there was still no conversion. The worker was loaded into the waiting ambulance with both paramedics and transported to Rampart. No one held much hope. Cap watched the ambulance disappear and shook his head. He picked up the remaining equipment and put it in the squad.

The ambulance arrived at Rampart with Johnny riding the rails doing CPR while Josh held the IV bags between his teeth pushing oxygen into the victim. Fifteen minutes later Dr Brackett and the two paramedics emerged from the treatment room. “I’d say he was long gone before you got to him fellas but the autopsy will confirm that.”

Dr Brackett glanced at Johnny and gauged his reaction. The senior paramedic was very quiet and withdrawn. Josh glanced sideways at his partner giving him a concerned look. He cleared his throat. “We need to get back…Thanks Dr Brackett.” They turned and left. Johnny remained silent and subdued. Dr Brackett almost confronted his paramedic then and there but resisted because he had agreed to let Hank talk to Johnny first. Their upcoming conversation would be a lot easier if the paramedic came of his own free will.

The paramedics were told to return to the station after the ambulance dropped them back at the scene of the fire. Everything was under control and station 43 paramedics were all they needed on scene. It was now or never Josh thought as they backed the squad into the bay area.

They entered the kitchen and Josh started the coffee. Johnny sat at the table and stared at his hands. Josh sighed and took a seat next to his silent partner. He placed his hand on Johnny’s shoulder to get his attention. “Johnny?”

Johnny looked up as if seeing him for the first time. The despair in his eyes saddened Josh. He could only guess what was going through this man’s mind.

“I’m pretty sure I know what you’re thinking….because…well…I’ve been there…and felt the way you’re feeling. You’re not alone Johnny.” Johnny just stared at Josh. “You feel like it was your fault the man died, just like you thought it was your fault Roy’s house got broken into…You don’t like yourself too much either I’m betting…You probably even think we…your friends don’t like you…” Josh watched his partner’s eyebrows furrow. He was listening. “I’ve been where you are Johnny. It’s a dark and lonely place.” Josh got up and poured them some coffee, allowing his words to sink in.

When he sat back down he could see tears forming in his partner’s eyes. He put his arm around the distraught man’s shoulder. “It’s going to be alright…You just have to let the right people help you.” For the first time Josh saw the depth of the suffering in Johnny’s eyes.

“I thought I was the only one who could feel this way…that there was no one I could talk to without being judged. I feel…”

“Like a weakling in this macho man’s line of work.” Johnny nodded. “So did I and to make it worse…” Josh hesitated before revealing a secret part of himself. “I’m gay. I’m a fireman and I’m gay.”

Johnny looked at his partner through different eyes. This man who he had pictured as having everything, including living a wonderful life where everyone thought he was perfect, was not so. He realised then that different situations caused others, like Josh, to feel the way he was feeling. He was indeed not alone in this dark world of misery. “Does anyone else know?”

“That I’m gay or about the depression.”

 Johnny didn’t care if Josh was gay; it was the depression he wanted to know about.  “About the depression.”

“Yes…a couple of fellow workers. It’s not something I advertise. There’s a lot of prejudice out there.”

Johnny snorted. “I know…believe me I know.” He shook his head and rubbed his hand over his face. “I really thought I was the only one who could feel this way in this line of work and I just didn’t know where to turn. I was afraid to talk to anyone because I’m not supposed to feel this way.”

 “It’s unfortunate that depression has a stigma. It’s something only women suffer from. Men don’t get depressed.” Johnny nodded. “Believe me I know. I was diagnosed two years ago. I too thought the same way as you. Strong macho firemen don’t get depressed. We’re not wimps who cry and have feelings. That’s wrong. We work in a very stressful job and lot more men suffer from it than they care to admit. Trouble is because they don’t get help a lot end up drowning in alcohol or ending their lives.”

Johnny sighed, remembering he too had thought about not being around. “Depression…what will everyone think of me and how will they treat me?” Johnny was getting very distressed so Josh tried to put his partner at ease.

“No one has to know other than Cap and Dr Brackett. I suspect that they already know but haven’t had a chance to talk to you. Being gay and working in this manly environment brought on my depression but I got help. A friend recognised the signs and put me in touch with some therapy groups and a good doctor. I’ll always have it but I know how to live with it…and no one found out.” Johnny thought over Josh’s words. He was so tired of feeling this way. It was getting harder each morning to just get out of bed. “Will you talk to Cap…I know he’s worried about you?”

Johnny nodded his head. He knew he had no choice. They both looked towards the doorway when they heard the engine backing into the station.


	8. Chapter 8

Cap wearily climbed down from his seat on the engine. He watched Mike, Chet and Marco head for the showers. He walked around the front of the engine as he took off his coat and was surprised to see his two paramedics standing in the doorway of his office. Josh had his arm around John’s shoulders. The senior paramedic didn’t look up when Cap approached them. He saw Josh squeeze John’s shoulder.

“Cap…Johnny would like to talk to you. You might want to put the squad out of service.” Josh’s eyes pleaded with Cap to understand.

Hank nodded his head and smiled kindly. He reached out and replaced Josh’s arm with his own around his senior paramedic’s shoulder. “Come on John…let’s talk.” They entered his office and closed the door.

Josh stood and let out a long slow breath. He felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked around knowingly. “I take it you managed to convince him.” Josh nodded. He felt emotionally drained, from dredging up his own bad memories of two years ago. Mike could see the pain in his life partner’s eyes. He wanted to take him in his arms and hold him. He restrained himself and squeezed Josh's shoulder. “What happens now?”

“I’ll probably drive him to Rampart and hopefully Dr Brackett can get him the immediate help he needs. He’s very close to the edge Mike…Very close.” This time Mike nodded.

“Sit down John.” Cap guided Johnny to a chair and sat him in it. He pulled his own chair over so that he was facing his paramedic. “You want to tell me what’s going on?”

Johnny looked up slowly and sighed. “Josh and I were talking and he told me a few things about himself and then he…”

“Take your time John.” Johnny nodded and took a deep breath.

“I think I have a problem Cap…I…I think I’m suffering from depression. Josh knew what I was thinking and he told me I needed help and that you and Dr Brackett would help me.”

“Of course we will John. I was going to have a talk to you. It’s much easier you coming to me . You are depressed John and you do need help. Dr Brackett is prepared to give you that help if you want it.” Hank put his hand on his paramedic’s knee trying to reassure Johnny. “We all want you to get better and come back.”

“What if they won’t let me?” Cap could see tears pooling in John’s eyes. “Who’d want a fireman/paramedic who’s suffered from depression to work with them?”

“I for one would John. Especially since that man is a valued member of my team.” Cap said sincerely. He sighed. “You can beat this John. I know you. You’re not one to give up.”

“I wish I had your confidence.” Johnny said miserably.

Cap smiled and patted John’s knee. “You just can’t see it because of the depression. After you get some help…things will look better. Trust me John. Roy wants you to get better too.” Johnny looked up alarmed.

“Roy knows?” Cap nodded and reached for his phone.

“He’s been worried about you for some time. He cares about you John…a lot of people do and we’ll be with you every step of the way. You’re not alone.”

Cap called Dr Brackett and told him that Johnny was coming to Rampart by his own free will. Dr Brackett was pleased to hear that Johnny wanted the much needed help. “Come on John.” Cap put his arm around his senior paramedic and led him outside his office. Josh was waiting by the squad. He smiled at his partner. “Dr Brackett is expecting John. I’ll get a replacement so come back after you drop John.”

“Sure Cap.” Josh nodded acknowledging his superior.

“Oh and Josh...” Josh turned around and looked at his Cap. “Thanks. I’m glad John had a friend who was good enough to help him see he had a problem.” Josh nodded again and smiled. Helping Johnny was the least he could do. This man had helped him become a confident paramedic. He turned to open the driver’s door of the squad and saw Mike smiling at him from the side of the engine. He smiled back.

The drive to Rampart was quiet. Josh glanced at Johnny every now and then but the senior paramedic just sat and stared out the passenger window.

“Here we are Johnny.” The paramedic jumped when Josh spoke. He looked around and realised he had been so deep in thought that he had missed the entire trip. He turned and considered Josh, choosing his words carefully.

“I just want to say thanks…It’s a relief to know that I have someone to talk to who knows what I’m feeling and understands. I felt so alone…thanks.” Johnny half smiled at Josh.

“We’re all here for you Johnny and we’re all rooting for you to beat this.” Johnny nodded and opened the squad door. Josh watched his partner walk through the emergency entrance. He looked like a defeated man.

Johnny walked down the hallway wary of anyone who looked at him. He wondered if they knew why he was here. The hospital grapevine had its way of knowing everything that went on in the hospital. He ducked his head and tried to look inconspicuous. He reached Dr Brackett’s door without bumping into anyone he knew. He was about to knock when he heard a familiar voice come from the doctor’s office.

“Josh is a good man. He’s had his problems and overcome them. He saw the signs and somehow convinced Johnny that he was suffering from depression.” Dr Brackett told Roy.

“It’s going to be a hard road for Johnny. He won’t be back for a while. I’m looking forward to working with Josh.” Johnny stepped back and didn’t hear Roy tell Dr Brackett that he wanted to thank him for helping his best friend.

Johnny made his way to the elevator and entered it. He didn’t hear Dixie call out to him. He didn’t see the people who entered and exited the elevator as he made his way to the roof.

His mind was swirling with thoughts. _‘He doesn’t want me as his partner…he doesn't want some depressed failure. They all probably think that…Josh was just being nice to me so I wouldn’t feel bad. They’ll all be better off without me. No one will miss me. They’ll be glad that they don't have to worry about whether I’ll come back and get someone hurt or lose a patient because I did something wrong. They’ll be better off without me.’_ The doors to the elevator opened.

Johnny stiffly walked out onto the roof. He walked to the edge and looked down. _‘They’ll be better off without me.’_

Dixie stood at the elevator and watched the numbers to see where it went. It stopped on the second floor and then the forth but then went to the roof and stopped. She was scared. The look on Johnny’s face had worried her but now that she saw where the elevator went she was afraid. She went to Dr Brackett’s office and knocked on the door.

“That must be him now Roy. Come in…….Dixie?” He stood and walked around from behind his desk. His eyebrows furrowed and his mouth twitched. It wasn’t often he saw his head nurse look this anxious. “What’s wrong?”

Dixie was distraught. “I just saw Johnny Gage walk up to your door then step back and walk to the elevator. I think he took it to the roof. Kel, the look on his face…He was so distressed.”

“Oh God no…Johnny.” Roy stood and looked at Dr Brackett. “He must have heard some our conversation.”

“Yes and misunderstood…In his frame of mind he could be thinking all sorts of things. Dix, call security. Come on Roy.” Dr Brackett led Roy to the same elevator. “Let’s hope we’re not too late.” Roy chewed his bottom lip all the way up to the roof. Like Dixie, he was scared. He was scared that they were too late and he was scared that he may never see his best friend alive and well again.


	9. Chapter 9

Roy and Dr Brackett stepped out of the elevator. Both their eyes searched the roof and fell on the lone figure standing near the edge of the building. Roy’s breath caught in his throat and his heart began to pound rapidly in his chest. His feet felt like they were fixed to the ground. He couldn’t seem to make them move. His best friend was standing still like a statue, looking down over the edge. He just stood there, frozen, not knowing what to do. All the years of paramedic training seemed to have abandoned him leaving him unsure and helpless.

Dr Brackett took a couple of steps forward and looked back at Roy. His most senior paramedic was not following him. He frowned and yelled at the unmoving paramedic. “Roy…Johnny needs you now! Snap out of it!”

Roy blinked and started to breathe again. His heart slowed and his chilled body finally responded. He cleared his throat and nodded to the doctor. He felt a little foolish, after all he was trained for this, yet he had acted like a first time trainee.

“Approach him slowly and talk to him Roy. Let him know that we want to help him.” Again Roy nodded and he briefly wondered if he’d be able to speak. His throat felt dry from fear.

He took a couple of steps cautiously closer to his motionless friend. Clearing his throat and swallowing saliva to moisten his throat, he quietly called, “Johnny.” He winced as his voice cracked. His partner remained still and didn’t acknowledge his name being called. Roy tried again, this time a bit louder. “Johnny.” Roy turned and looked at Dr Brackett for guidance. Doc nodded his head encouraging him to keep trying to reach the unresponsive figure.

“Johnny…please listen. Try and hear my words. I know you’re not thinking too clearly…but I need you to listen. This isn’t the answer and the John Gage I know would be saying the same thing.” Roy felt discouraged when his friend didn’t respond to his words. “Johnny please…I know you’re there somewhere…please come back to us. We want to help you and I know you wanted that help Junior.” Roy saw Johnny blink rapidly. He felt encouraged with the response. He was willing to accept anything at this stage. “Junior…let us help you…I don’t know what you heard when you came to Dr Brackett’s office but whatever it was you probably didn’t hear everything or you probably took it the wrong way. Come on Johnny please…step back from the edge and just talk to me. Come on Junior.”

Johnny felt like a black fog was swallowing him. He couldn’t breathe. The ground was calling him, his mind begging him to end it all. _‘You won’t be missed. They’re better off without you.’_  Then, through the overwhelming thoughts he heard, ‘Junior’. His heart started to beat faster and he suddenly felt light headed. He heard Roy’s voice through the fog and tried to latch onto his words. He swayed and stepped back. A warm arm snaked around his shoulders and pulled him close to the warm body of his best friend.

Johnny looked into the concerned blue eyes of his partner. “I’m so tired Roy.” Roy felt his heart skip a beat. This defeated man standing beside him was not his long time best friend and paramedic partner. He held himself together, gave Johnny a squeeze and smiled.

“I know you are Junior and we’re going to fix that.” Roy steered Johnny towards Dr Brackett who was instructing security to lock the stairwell to the roof’s door and to disable the roof button in the elevator. He turned and smiled at Johnny.

Roy guided his partner into the elevator.  The ride down was short because they stopped on the fifth floor. It was a quiet floor and very isolated. “This way gentlemen.” Dr Brackett led them to a small room. It contained a bed, a small table and a chair and two larger, more comfortable, chairs by a window. “Take a seat Johnny.” Dr Brackett picked up the phone on the wall and had a Dr Lewis paged. He glanced at his paramedic, who sat silently staring at his hands.

A tall man in his thirties entered the room. Dr Brackett nodded at the man. “Owen, I’d like you to meet two of my best paramedics. Roy DeSoto and this is Johnny Gage, who I spoke to you about.”

Owen held out his hand to Roy and shook the senior paramedic’s hand. He had a firm grip and an easy smile.  Roy instantly felt at ease with this man. He then knelt down in front of Johnny and put his hand on the younger man’s shoulder. He didn’t say anything, just waited for Johnny to look up. When he finally raised his head, Owen smiled. “You look tired…how about you take a nap and then we’ll talk.”

Johnny gave a small nod. He suddenly felt very weary. His emotions and thoughts were making him feel weak and dizzy. He wanted to sleep desperately but he knew his mind would not allow him. It never switched off, constantly churning thoughts through his brain. As if reading his mind Owen patted him on the shoulder. “It’s alright Johnny…I’m going to give you something to help you sleep. Trust me you’ll feel much better after a good restful sleep.” Again, not trusting his voice, Johnny gave a small nod.

“Come on Junior.” Roy helped Johnny up out of the chair and guided him over to the bed. He took his friend’s boots off and helped him change into a gown. An IV was set up and a sedative was injected. Johnny was soon breathing deeply and soundly.

“He’ll sleep for a good eight hours at least.” Owen told the two friends. “I heard he was up on the roof.”

Dr Brackett’s mouth twitched. “Yes. He came into the hospital of his own free will but we think he overheard Roy and I speaking…and somehow took something the wrong way.” Dr Brackett put his hands in his pockets of his white coat and looked down at his shoes.

“It’s the depression Kel. Once he has a good sleep and we get him on some medication he’ll come round.” Doc nodded in agreement.

“Is it alright if I stay with him for a while?” Roy asked looking from one doctor to the other. Dr Brackett smiled understanding his paramedic’s need.

“Sure Roy…Just let the nurse know when you leave.” Roy took the chair from the table and placed it next to the bed. He sat down and rubbed his hands over his face. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

“He’ll be alright Roy. Owen’s the top of his game.” Roy nodded and stood up holding out his hand.

“Thanks Doc…I know Johnny will be ok…it’s just…” Roy wasn’t sure how to explain how he felt.

“He scared us both Roy. That wasn’t Johnny standing up there on the roof.”

“No…It was a stranger.”

“Yes it was…That’s what depression does…It takes away the person we know. We’ll get him back.” Dr Brackett slapped Roy on the back and left, Owen having already left the room.

Now that the room was empty Roy sat down and ran the scene on the roof through his mind. He had been terrified that they were too late and when he was trying to get through to his partner, he was scared that he would jump in front of him. “What happened to you Johnny?” He asked the silent room and sleeping man.

The slow deep breathing of his friend soothed his fears. Johnny looked so young when he slept, _‘So young and innocent.’_ Roy thought as he watched his partner sleep. He sat by the bed of the peacefully sleeping figure for over an hour watching over him and then stood and reluctantly left the room. He didn’t like the idea of his friend waking up alone but he needed to get home to his family.

He knew Johnny was in the right place but he felt protective like he would with his own family. Family, his partner had no family apart from an Aunt who occasionally called. Station 51 and the emergency staff of Rampart were his partner’s family. He vowed that they would be there for him every step of the way. He wanted his partner back in the squad by his side and most of all he wanted his best friend back.


	10. Chapter 10

Johnny opened his eyes and waited for his vision to clear. His eyelids felt heavy from sleep and his brain felt numb. He knew he had slept deeply and considered closing his eyes to sleep some more. He turned his head and lazily looked at the sun rays peeking through the window. The brightness and freshness of the rays told him that it was early morning. He blinked a few more times and the heaviness of his eyelids and the numbness of his brain started to fade as became more alert.

Feeling more aware he sat up and looked around his room. Snippets of the day before flashed through his mind. He remembered hearing Roy call him Junior and he also remembered Josh talking to him about depression. His perfect partner had his own problems, problems Johnny would never have known about if he hadn’t of confided in him. It suddenly dawned on him that even Josh had his flaws and dealt with them. Maybe he could too.

The door to his room opened and a middle aged woman walked in. She wore light green slacks and a similar light green floral shirt. The nametag and fob watch gave away that she was a nurse even though she wasn’t wearing the traditional white uniform. “Good morning Mr Gage. Your breakfast will be here in about twenty minutes so why don’t you take a shower.” She opened a drawer and pulled out a fresh pair of pyjamas and some underwear. Johnny felt his cheeks redden. He wondered how they got there. She then opened another drawer and added his shaving kit from his locker and a towel to his small pile. “One of your friends brought in a change of clothes and this last night. While you shower I’ll change your sheets.” She stood back and waited.

Johnny thought it was probably Roy, since he had the spare key to his apartment. He sighed and pushed the bed clothes back and swung his legs out over the side of the bed. He slowly slid off the bed. He felt fragile and unsure of himself. Hiding his feelings, Johnny picked up the small pile and walked towards the door of the bathroom. He took small hesitant steps and kept his head bowed. He didn’t make eye contact with the nurse. He didn’t want to see the pity or the sympathy in her eyes. He hated feeling weak and frail.

Johnny spent longer in the shower than he needed to. He hoped that the nurse was gone by the time he came out of the bathroom. He slowly opened the bathroom door and peeked out and saw that his breakfast tray sitting on the table.  His bed was made and turned down. He walked more confidently towards his bed and put away his shaving kit and laundry. He then walked over to the table and inspected his breakfast. It didn’t look too bad, unlike the usual hospital food.

Johnny sat down in the chair Roy had used the day before and ate some toast and drank juice in silence. He poured the small pot of coffee into a cup and drank it slowly. His eyes focused on the dust particles dancing in the streams of sunlight coming through the window. He didn’t think about anything, just sat and watched mindlessly.

Dr Owen Lewis entered the room and watched his patient sit and stare. He approached the paramedic quietly and gently placed his hand on the silent man’s shoulder. Johnny looked up and half smiled. “Hello Doc.”

“You can call me Owen as long as I can call you John.” The doctor gave a cheeky smile to his patient. Johnny half-heartedly chuckled.

“You can call me Johnny Doc.”

“Well then you can most definitely call me Owen.” He started to walk over to the larger chairs but turned and added, “When you’re ready to…that is.”

He sat down in one of the chairs. “Come and sit with me Johnny. I’d like to tell you a story.” Johnny stood up and walked over to the empty chair next to Owens. He felt surprisingly stronger than he had earlier. He sat down and waited for Owen to speak.

“I always tell my patients a bit about myself.” Johnny nodded. “I grew up in a small town called Hayfork. I had an older sister. She was a very kind person…and she seemed so cool to me because she understood the world a lot better than I did. She was someone who knew exactly what to say to make you feel better…you know what I mean?” Johnny nodded again. “I loved her so much. For as far back as I can remember she wanted to be a doctor…My parents would say to her that girls weren’t doctors, they were nurses…but she would tell me later that she was not going to be a nurse like my parents wanted…that she would show them and she’d be a doctor. I had no doubt that she would become a doctor….One day when I was about nine she asked me to do her art homework for her. She had to draw a monster. She couldn’t do it so I did it for her. It felt good to be doing something for her…that she needed me. When she was fifteen my sister committed suicide. You see she had been fighting monsters all her life in here.” Owen pointed to his head. “I didn’t know…she was my sister who always took away my hurts and made me feel better but she didn’t have anyone to take away her hurts, to make her feel better. Instead they built up inside her until one day she took her life to stop the hurt……Trouble was she left behind a bigger hurt…me. For a long time I blamed myself because I didn’t see that she was being knocked down and that each time she was knocked down she was finding it harder to fight and get up. I turned the pain she felt in life and the pain I felt in the aftermath of her death into something positive. There is a reason for the pain and I made a decision to use my pain to help others. I studied hard and became a psychiatrist. Now I help people fight the monsters in their head. They never completely go away but in time they learn to fight and become stronger people.”

“I’m sorry.” Johnny was touched that the doctor had told him his story.

“Will you trust me to help you? Everyone I’ve spoken to has told me that you are a fighter Johnny. Are you willing to fight to get your life back?”

“I want to be a better person…someone my friends can trust to have their backs.” Owen sighed.

“That’s not what I mean Johnny. You are a good person. You are someone that your friends trust…You just can’t see that and that’s what you have to learn to fight…To turn those negative thoughts into something positive. Will you let me help you?” Owen waited patiently for Johnny to absorb everything.

“Yes.” He patted the paramedic on the shoulder.

“Good…I’m going to prescribe an anti-depressant and after that’s been in your system for twenty four hours we’ll talk. I think you should lie down for a while and I’ll send the nurse in to start the medication.” Johnny nodded dejectedly. Owen pulled a small book out of his satchel. “I want you to write your thoughts down in this book. It helps to see the words rather than just think them. Seeing them can help you understand what you’re feeling and hopefully in time turn them into more positive thoughts.” He handed Johnny the book and a pen. “Start whenever you want.” He walked over to the phone and spoke to the nurse. Johnny stood and looked at the bed. He hated spending daytime in bed. It made him feel useless.

Owen took his arm and led him over to the bed. He raised the head of the bed and gave Johnny the book and pen. The nurse entered the room with a syringe. Owen administered it into the IV port in Johnny’s arm. “Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Owen and the nurse left the room.

Johnny picked up the book and pen and started to write. While he was writing he wondered if he would be allowed any visitors. Then, when he thought about the reason he was here, having no visitors seemed more appealing. He wanted to be left alone. He had written eight pages before he fell asleep. The combination of the medication and the writing had relaxed his mind. Writing his thoughts in the book gave his mind space letting him sleep peacefully. When the lunch tray arrived he woke up.

Johnny sat at the table and ate quietly. His mind seemed more relaxed and he felt more alert. He grabbed the book he had been writing in and read through what he had written. Owen was right. Seeing the written words did help him understand how he felt. He picked up the pen and continued to write. He was like a man possessed, as the thoughts came tumbling out. His mind was exposing the monsters that had been crowding his head for some time.


	11. Chapter 11

Johnny had been on his medication for a week and was feeling a little more relaxed and for the first time for some weeks in more control of his feelings. His best friend Roy was coming to visit today and he was hoping the visit would not only help him but Roy as well. He wanted to share what Owen had taught him and thank him for saving his life. Looking back Johnny still felt shivers run up his spine when he thought about how close he came to ending his life. He still had his bad days but nothing like that afternoon.

Roy found Johnny sitting, fully dressed, in a small visitor’s room on the fifth floor. “Johnny!” Roy called his friend’s name tentatively. He didn’t know what to expect when he arrived. He was pleased that Johnny wanted to see him but was also scared that the stranger from that afternoon a week ago would be greeting him.

Johnny looked up and smiled. That was all he needed. Roy sighed with relief because behind that smile was indeed his best friend. He closed the gap between them quickly and pulled his friend into a hug before his partner could say anything. Johnny knew Roy needed this, the reassurance that he had his best friend back. He breathed in the strength and courage of his long-time partner.

They broke apart but Roy held onto Johnny’s arms. He didn’t want to break the contact. “You look good Johnny. More like your old self.”

“I feel a little like my old self Roy. Owen has helped me a lot. He really knows his stuff.” Roy reluctantly let go of his friend and they sat down. “I want to thank you Roy…for…for saving my life.” Johnny gulped. Seeing his best friend sitting here beside him gave him the courage to say what he needed to say out loud. “I want to thank you for stopping me from jumping that afternoon. I was in a very dark place Roy.”

Roy’s face softened, understanding what Johnny was trying to tell him. “The man who was standing on the edge of the roof was not you…he was a stranger.”

“I was in there but I was being smothered by the depression. I know that now…Owen has helped me see that and he’s teaching me how to recognise it and fight it.” Johnny half smiled, admitting his weakness was really difficult. Roy nodded and knew how hard this was for his partner to admit.

“So why don’t we get some coffee, bring it back here and talk.” Johnny smiled, feeling relieved that nothing had changed, between them and their friendship. The comfortable comrade between them relaxed Johnny’s apprehensions.

They left the floor and made their way to the cafeteria. It was fairly quiet and the line was short because it was still early morning. Roy paid for their coffees and snacks. “Thanks Roy…I forgot I didn’t have any money on me. I don’t even know where my wallet is.”

“I have it. Josh brought all your personal things over to me after he finished shift that day. Your wallet,all your clothes that were in your locker, keys, he even drove the Rover over to my house.”

“He’s a good man. He helped me that day…gave me some much needed answers to how I was feeling…”

“Well, lookie here…if it isn’t the oldest paramedic team in the county.” Johnny and Roy turned around at the same time. Standing with his hands on his hips was Lloyd Roberts, one of station 110s paramedics. Neither partner liked him all that much. He had a big mouth and was very overbearing at times. He didn’t let an opportunity pass without telling anyone who would listen that his Uncle was one of the high ranking Chiefs in the department. Johnny mentally groaned.

“Lloyd…how’s it going?” Roy said politely but was hoping to get away from the man quickly and keep the conversation as short as possible.

“Ahh, you know me Roy…Saving lives…serving the citizens of LA with my expert skills.” Roy felt like throwing up, instead he just nodded and waved and turned to leave. “Haven’t you got anything to say Gage? I heard you’re on sick leave. Don’t look too sick to me.”

“Looks can be very deceiving Lloyd. Bye.” Johnny waved and quickly turned. He half jogged to catch up with Roy, grateful that his partner had continued to leave. They didn’t see the paramedic frown and start to follow them. He watched them enter an elevator and take it to the fifth floor.

When he met up with his partner back at the cafeteria he asked, “What’s on the fifth floor?”

“What?” His partner smirked. “Thinking about committing yourself? I’ll sign the papers and make it all legal like.”

“What are you babbling on about?” Lloyd was getting frustrated with his partner. He obviously knew something he didn’t.

“Fifth floor is the Psych wards.”

A scowl distorted the paramedics face. “Who you calling crazy?”

His partner tried to look innocent. “I was just answering your question.” Lloyd turned and smiled. It wasn’t a happy smile, more a malevolent smile.

“So Gage has lost it…he’s in the loony bin. Wonder if headquarters knows about this. I bet they just think he’s sick not crazy. Brackett’s probably covering for his favourite paramedics.” He said quietly to himself. His partner shook his head not wanting to know what the paramedic was mumbling about. Lloyd was an okay partner but he had seen the damage he could cause if you got on his wrong side.

When Roy and Johnny were safely on the fifth floor Johnny let out a long slow breath. “I really don’t like that man. The fact that his Uncle is a Chief gives him too much power.”

“You’re right about that. I’ve heard stories of transfers and even resignations over some of his and his uncle’s doings. Stay clear of him Johnny.” Roy was serious, his steely blue eyes connected with his partners.

“I will Roy…He can’t find out from anyone here can he?”

Roy shook his head. “No…Dr Brackett, Cap, Chief Houts, Josh and I are the only ones who know.” Johnny nodded. He knew he could trust all of those people. “Dr Brackett has basically marked your chart as “Suffering Insomnia” in case anyone from inside the hospital snoops around. You and I both know what the hospital grapevine is like.”

They sat back down in the visitor’s room and sipped their coffees. Roy broke the silence. “How are you really feeling Johnny?”

Johnny smiled at his friend’s persistence. “I have my good days and my bad days...still mostly bad. The medication is helping but Doc says he’s still trying to get it right. He said everyone’s different. It’s really difficult Roy...I’m trying but sometimes it all just overwhelms me.” Johnny shifted in his chair and thought about how to explain his feelings.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I hope someday you’ll be able to and know that we all want to help you. When you were up on that roof and you looked so lost…it hurt so much Johnny to see you that way and not be able to help you.” Roy didn’t want to upset his partner. This was new territory for him and he didn’t quite know how to handle his partner’s depression.

“No I want to tell you.” Johnny looked down and was silent for what seemed like minutes but was only seconds. At last he looked up, his eyes unbearably sad. “I didn’t want to hurt anyone…I just didn’t know how to be strong for the guys and you. I don’t know how to be strong for myself most of the time. I feel like I’m in this black fog, trying to find my way out, only I can’t remember why I want out of it in the first place, and sometimes, it feels like too much trouble and I want to just let the fog swallow me up and let whatever’s going to happen, happen.”

 “No!” Roy grabbed both of Johnny’s arms. “Don’t lose yourself. You have to find your way out of the fog, because that’s where we all are, and we’re pulling for you. You’ve got to keep fighting Johnny.” He lifted Johnny’s chin and met his best friend’s eyes as hard as he could. “You’re going to be okay,” he promised. “You’re one of the strongest people I know and you’re too stubborn to let this fog swallow you up. You’re going to beat this.”

Johnny swallowed hard. “I wish I could believe you.”

“You believe me,” said Roy. “I’m telling the truth. You’re going to make your way out of that fog, and if it means I have to go in there and find you, then that’s what we’re going to do.” He pulled Johnny into a fierce, protective hug. “You’re not going to be swallowed up, I’ll find you,” he whispered. He willed his own strength to be enough for both of them. Johnny allowed his friend to hold him and keep him safe. For the moment the fog’s grip was slipping and he thought he just might find his way out.


	12. Chapter 12

Lloyd Roberts smacked the wall with the palm of his hand. He had tried everyone he could think of, who knew Gage personally. They were all tight lipped. Dwyer, a paramedic from C shift let slip that Gage had sleeping problems and was being monitored. Lloyd wasn’t convinced. He called his Uncle.

Lloyd told his Uncle what he had seen and explained how guarded everyone was. “They’re covering up for him and I for one don’t think some crazy lunatic should be a paramedic. You can guarantee Brackett’s in on it.”

“But why would he Lloyd? Dr Brackett wouldn’t jeopardise the programme.” His Uncle sighed into the phone. He was treading on dangerous territory here. These kinds of accusations if wrong would put him in a bad light. This is Chief Houts area and he is one of the most respected chiefs in the department.

“I’m telling you there’s something fishy going on here. I’m going to find out. DeSoto and Gage think they’re Gods…the way they strut around as if they know everything there is to being a paramedic. Just think if we expose them…not only will we get rid of them but you could be looking at a promotion. I’m going to apply for some OT. Can you swing it that I get to cover DeSoto’s shift?” Lloyd thought if he worked at the involved station that he’d hear something he could use.

“Can’t do Lloyd. Some hotshot new paramedic is covering for DeSoto. I may be able to get you a shift with him but even that’s not guaranteed. They’re real careful who covers Gage’s shifts. They’re only letting experienced paramedics cover. You’ve only been a paramedic for eight months Lloyd. I don’t think that will be enough.” He’d have to pull in some big favours to get Lloyd a shift. “Your best bet will be when DeSoto gets back and doing OT with him. That’s if Gage is still out?”

“Damn! From the looks of Gage he’ll still be out. He’s skinny as…looks like he’d fall over if you blew on him. How did he pass his physicals..I’ll never know.” Lloyd always thought because Johnny was thin that so was his strength.

“Maybe he’s stronger than he looks. I’ll make some discrete enquiries. I can’t promise anything. I would like to pull Houts down a peg or two.” Lloyds Uncle hung up and immediately started nosing around. After a couple of days he managed to get his nephew a shift at station 51. He told him to be careful how he acted around Captain Stanley because he was very straight and well respected in the department.

Dr Lewis finally found the right medication for Johnny. His dosages were very high and were having the desired effect. The paramedic finally opened up completely and divulged information about his childhood and young adult years. It became clear to the doctor that Johnny had been battling with depression for some time, most of his adolescent and adult life.

In their talks he planted ‘seeds’ in Johnny’s mind, which had the effect of changing his way of thinking. This helped him find some answers for the doubts that lingered in his mind. He also talked to the paramedic about his diet. Eating healthy and regular exercise was very important for people suffering from depression. His caffeine intake was reduced and curfew; no coffee after 4pm. The restrictions were hard going for the paramedic. All fire fighters loved their coffee and he was no exception.

When Johnny was finally released to go home he found himself feeling a little apprehensive. Both Roy and Cap came to take him home. They took him shopping on the way and Roy talked him into joining a local gym with him. He needed to work out to gain back his strength he had lost while recovering from the shoulder injury and Johnny needed to gain back his lost fitness and build up and regain some weight.

After Cap and Roy left he sat and looked around his apartment. He thought that there wasn’t much to show for his life he had spent here. Maybe it was time for a change. He had always dreamed of buying a house up in the hills and had been trying to save for a deposit. Roy had given him back the money he had spent on the break-in. He pulled out his journal and started to write. Soon he had a plan and realistic goals set. He looked at his watch and decided to go for a walk before preparing lunch. Roy was picking him up at 3pm to take them to a group therapy session. Owen had suggested that Roy sit in on a couple of the sessions so that he could understand his partner a little better. Johnny was pleased that he wasn’t going alone. Who better to share this new experience with, but your best friend? Roy was more than happy to be there alongside his partner giving him the strength and reassurance that he needed.

Lloyd turned up for his OT shift at station 51 only to be greeted by C shift’s Captain. Captain Stanley was starting later that morning due to personnel business. He found the crew were very tight and although they had been courteous in their greetings they ignored him mostly. The so called ‘hotshot’ paramedic didn’t impress him. Lloyd took an instant dislike to him and used his seniority to the fullest. He took over the calibrations and driving. Josh just shook his head and thought that the rumours were true. Lloyd was a real jerk.

Mike was the first to react to Lloyd’s actions. “You may be the senior paramedic Lloyd but that doesn’t give you the right to treat your PARTNER and I emphasise PARTNER, as opposed to trainee, that way. He’s certified and you have no right to take over care.” Mike was referring to Josh’s treatment by Lloyd at an MVA that morning.

“Who are you to tell me what to do? I’m the senior paramedic.”

Mike stepped up into Lloyd’s personal space. “I’m second in command and I’m telling you until Captain Stanley gets here. He is your partner so treat him that way.”  Mike walked away. He knew if he confronted Lloyd further he might say something he would regret.  

Josh saw the confrontation and waited for Mike to enter the locker room. “Thanks Mike but I can handle him. It’s only one shift.”

Mike sat down heavily on the bench next to Josh. “Beats me how he got this shift. I thought only experienced paramedics were going to work with you.”

“I guess he used his influence in the department to get an OT shift. Although…I can’t understand why he would want a shift here. It’s not as if our paths have ever crossed before.” Josh felt a knot in his stomach tighten. Both he and Mike had to be extra careful. “Mike be careful, I don’t like this.”

Mike let out a long breath. He looked into Josh’s eyes. He so loved this man and he knew he was right. The whole situation stunk. Lloyd was up to something. He just hoped he hadn’t played right into the obnoxious paramedic’s hands. He smiled and nodded. Josh patted him on the back and stood. That was the only contact either would allow while on shift.

“Cap should be here soon. He wasn’t going to stay…just make sure Johnny was settled at home okay and had everything he needed.” Mike said to Josh as the paramedic continued to clean the mirrors.

“They probably had to stop at the supermarket on the way. One of the things Johnny will have to do is change his eating habits. It’s been studied that depression can be caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain. So eating healthy is one of the ways to prevent that along with the medication.” They didn’t see Lloyd turn and leave the other side of the door to the locker room. “In time he’ll be able to come off the medication completely but he’ll need to look after himself.” They both turned when Captain Stanley entered the room. “Hey Cap…Johnny settled at home alright.” Cap glanced at Mike and cleared his throat. Mike realised Cap didn’t know he knew about Johnny so he excused himself.

“I’ll catch you in the kitchen Cap.” Mike left the room quickly.

When the room was just Cap and Josh, Cap finally spoke. “We took him shopping for groceries. He seemed himself yet…not.”

Josh stopped cleaning and faced his Cap. “It’s early days Cap. Johnny’s strong. We all just need to be patient and supportive. Roy’s still going to that group therapy meeting?” Cap nodded his head. “You should try to get to one too. It will help you understand what depression does to people like Johnny and myself.” Josh put his hand on his chest with the last bit.

“You know Josh I would never have known you suffer from it but for your file. You seem so…”

“With it…Together…and dare I say Normal.” They both chuckled. “I’ve learned to live with it and so will Johnny.”

“To be honest Josh I don’t know what normal is. I think we all have to be a little abnormal to do this job and cope with it.” Cap put his gear away.

“I think you’re right there Cap.” Josh turned and continued cleaning.

“Who’s your partner Josh?” The paramedic turned around and sighed. The cheerful face had turned serious.

“Lloyd Roberts.” Cap frowned at the name. He too had heard the rumours of transfers and resignations.

“He’s not an experienced paramedic. He’s only got a few months on you.” Cap continued to frown. Josh looked at his Cap in the mirror as he continued to clean it.

“The way he’s throwing his weight around here you’d think he’s been a paramedic for as long as Roy and Johnny.” Cap shook his head.

“What duty was he assigned this morning?” Cap asked the reflection of his paramedic.

Josh shrugged his shoulders. “Same as me Cap…latrine and dorms.”

Cap sighed and looked down at the ground. “Somehow I think this is going to be a long shift.” He turned and left the locker room. Little did either man know but the shift would become a life changing shift.


	13. Chapter 13

Cap entered the kitchen and looked around. His engineer was sitting at the table sipping coffee and immediately stood up and went to the stove to pour him a cup. Cap smiled, his first in line really did spoil him sometimes. He saw Lloyd Roberts in the corner on the phone. Cap preferred his men to ask permission to use the phone during working hours but since he had only just arrived he gave the temporary paramedic the benefit of the doubt.

Mike handed his Captain a coffee. “Everything alright Mike?”

“Sure Cap.” Mike contemplated how to approach the subject of Lloyd. “I guess I should tell you I had words with Lloyd.” Cap raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “He…aahh…well he…” Mike sighed. “Cap he took over care from Josh at an MVA this morning and I pulled him up on it and pointed out that Josh is a certified paramedic and that he should be treating him as a partner not a trainee.” Cap nodded his understanding but was a little surprised his engineer had got so involved with the paramedics.

“How long has he been on the phone?” Cap nodded his head towards Lloyd disapprovingly.

“He was on the phone when I came in.”

“When he gets off tell him…” Cap stopped mid-sentence because Lloyd hung up the phone.

Lloyd turned and cleared his throat and walked towards Captain Stanley with his hand out. “You must be Captain Stanley…I’m Lloyd Roberts your senior paramedic.” He emphasised the senior as he glanced at Mike.

Cap shook his hand and resisted wiping his hand on his thigh. “Lloyd…I believe you and your partner were assigned latrine and dorm duty. Why don’t you give your partner a hand?” Cap watched a disgusted look quickly pass over the paramedic’s face before expressing a jovial smile.

“Aahh Cap…he’s a young pup…he can handle it.” Lloyd waved his hand towards the locker room and turned to get another cup of coffee.

“He’s not much younger than you Lloyd and as far as seniority goes…you only have a few months on Josh, so let’s just keep things on an even keel shall we? So!” Cap rubbed his hands together ignoring the scowl on the paramedic’s face. “Young pup…get in there and help your partner.”

“Yes sir.” Lloyd didn’t make eye contact with his Captain otherwise he would have seen the contempt in them. Cap reached and grabbed his arm.

“Oh and Lloyd no more of this ‘I’m a better paramedic’ caper, and I take over care business…Understood?” Lloyd glared at Mike.

“Yes Sir.” He left the kitchen and made his way to the dorms. Chet and Marco snickered in the bay area having heard everything. Cap watched the paramedic walk away.

“Cap!” He turned to face Chet. The lineman was looking very apprehensive. “How’s Johnny?” Cap smiled at the question.

“He’s good Chet. Roy is keeping a close eye on him.” Cap didn’t know how much Kelly knew about John’s depression so he refrained from mentioning the group therapy session and the many changes in John’s lifestyle to keep on a positive road.

Chet went on. “Did he seem more himself?” Cap sighed and bowed his head. It was obvious everyone had seen the changes in their friend and was genuinely worried about him.

“He’s trying to fight back Chet. He still has a long hard road ahead of him but we all know John. He’s a fighter and we just have to be patient and supportive.” Everyone nodded agreeing with Cap. He smiled and wondered if his paramedic knew how much his co-workers cared about him. He surmised that he probably did before the depression, and that he needed to be reminded that he had all of their support.

Lloyd aggressively stripped the bunks. He was fuming. Not only did Stanley pull him up about doing the assigned station tasks but he had also told him how he should carry out his paramedic duties. _‘How dare he. What would he know?’_ To top it all off his Uncle had told him that Gage’s file was closed and only certain people were allowed to access it. If his Uncle mentioned depression then questions would be asked as to how he knew. The fact that Josh knew all about Gage’s depression irked him. _‘He was only a temporary assigned paramedic like himself so why should he know everything?_ ’ It didn’t occur to Lloyd that Josh being a paramedic may have recognised the symptoms. Lloyd’s hatred for Gage and DeSoto and now Josh blinded his reasoning.

He was mindlessly making the beds when a thought struck him. Being the senior paramedic meant that he got to update the log books. If he chose a time when the engine was out he could sneak a look at the personnel files. A malicious smile spread across the paramedic’s face. His cruel intensions of wanting to hurt his fellow fire fighter/paramedics were uncharacteristic, since there was a strong brotherhood bond between the fire fighters. Lloyd felt no such bond and had from the beginning always accentuated his self-importance because his uncle was a chief. A lot of his fellow fire fighters had kept their distance from him, not wanting to be on the wrong side of the man. Gage, DeSoto and Josh were unknowingly on that wrong side.

Roy picked Johnny up and couldn’t help but notice how quiet he was. Not wanting to leave his friend to his thoughts he tried to strike up a conversation. His partner was very distracted and only gave one syllable answers. In the past Roy would have left his partner to his thoughts, but that was the past. Roy tried harder, not allowing his friend to retreat into the ‘fog’ as he called it. “Johnny…what are you thinking about?”

“Nothing much.” Johnny said absent minded. He spoke without emotion, as if he wasn’t really there.

Roy yelled. “JOHNNY!” He regretted making his partner jump. Johnny’s head hit the roof of Roy’s car. He had a startled look on his face. “Are you with me?”

Johnny looked at his best friend partly angry and partly confused. “What’s wrong with you Roy? Of course I’m with you…I’m sitting right next to you.”

“Well you could have fooled me partner. I’ve been talking to you and you haven’t heard a word I’ve been saying.”

Johnny bowed his head and sighed. “I’m sorry Roy. I guess I kind of zoned out.”

“Where were you?” Johnny shook his head. “I told you Junior I’m not going to let you lose yourself. What’s bothering you? Talk to me.”

Johnny let out a long breath. He knew his partner was right in doing what he did. He owed him his honesty. “I’m scared Roy. Talking in front of other people…”

“What are you scared of Johnny?” Roy needed to get his friend to open up and air his concerns; otherwise the group therapy session wouldn’t help him.

Johnny wasn’t sure how to articulate his feelings. He closed his eyes and visualized himself writing his thoughts in his journal. “I don’t like being seen as weak. When I was young weakness meant you were singled out and picked on.”

“You were bullied at school?” Johnny nodded. It was only recently he had realised this. Owen had got him to talk about growing up and Johnny finally faced some of the ‘monsters’ from his childhood.

“I was a skinny kid and small for my age up until about sixteen. I tried to make up for my size with determination…” Johnny chuckled. ”And stubbornness.”  He half smiled. Roy kept his eyes on the road and nodded his head encouraging his partner to go on. “I never told anyone…not my folks…teachers. I kept it all inside. Owen said that was the beginning…and it is a habit that I have to break.”

“You mean be more open with how you feel? You see that as a weakness?” Roy was beginning to understand his partner and his way of thinking.

“Yes.” Johnny said quietly. Roy could hear the shame in his friend’s voice. He felt for his friend and could understand how he was feeling. He was guilty himself of not expressing his feelings with his friends but he had Joanne and she had endured his ups and downs for most of his adult life. Johnny had no one to share them with so he did what came naturally, held it inside.

“I think the group session will show you that you’re not the only one that feels that way. It’s a stigma of society Johnny. Men aren’t supposed to have feelings...it’s wrong. What do you think we’re doing after a bad run when we get together and talk?” Roy waited for Johnny to grasp what he was saying. “What I think you need to do is consider the other people in the group as you do me when we’re thrashing out our feelings after a bad run. The difference is that you’re thrashing out your feelings of depression with other people who feel the same way.” Johnny nodded understanding and seemed more alert. They pulled up in front of a small building that was surrounded with parkland. Roy placed his hand on Johnny’s thigh. “Ready?” Johnny rewarded him with a smile and nodded.


	14. Chapter 14

It was mid-afternoon when Lloyd got his first opportunity to be alone in the Captains’ office. “I’m just going to bring the log books up to date.” Lloyd told Josh as they finished cleaning the squad. He casually wiped his hands and grabbed the various slips of paper with the run information.

“I’ll help.” Josh said innocently and made towards the office. Lloyd stopped and frowned in the doorway and kept his back to Josh.

“I’ve got it…you just relax. _I don’t want to be accused of over working you, since you’re so precious to the department.”_ Lloyd said the last line under his breath. “Go and watch a soap on TV.” Lloyd yelled over his shoulder as he entered the office. He chuckled at his own humour. The door shut before Josh could say anything.

The knot that had been quietly sitting in Josh’s stomach tightened once again. He was worried with what Lloyd’s last comment implied. His fears of someone like Lloyd finding out that he was gay made him nervous. He hated that he had to pretend and conform to what society accepted but he knew it was a necessary evil if he wanted to keep his job. Sure he wouldn’t be fired if it came out, but his life would become a living hell. He was certain that a lot of fellow fire fighters would refuse to work alongside him and he would be forced to quit.He just wished he knew why Lloyd was working OT at this particular station.  

Josh nervously waited in the kitchen for the engine to return. His rock was driving the engine and he needed him. He could feel the anxiety building waiting to devour him. He slowed his breathing and started to calm and relax himself using the techniques he had been taught by his psychiatrist. He heard the sounds of muffled laughter coming from Cap’s office and wondered what was so funny about filling in the log book. The unease within him intensified. He knew he was slipping but his increasing nervousness was pushing him deeper into despair. Before he could recognise the symptoms and act on them his whole personality changed.  Two years of fighting and conquering vanished.

Johnny sat in the only vacant chair of the circle. A man in his mid-thirties introduced himself to Johnny and then introduced Johnny to the rest of the group. The group was a mixture of people, both male and female, and young and old. Roy sat in the background along with two other men and observed.

At first Johnny just listened and watched. He felt vulnerable and exposed. Discussing his feelings one on one with Owen had taken some getting used to but this with a group of total strangers was daunting. His hands were slightly trembling and sweating. He tried to focus on what was being said but was finding it increasingly difficult as he became more agitated. Suddenly someone’s voice broke through and Johnny realised he was being addressed. “I’m sorry?”

A man in his late teens or early twenties said, “If you want to stay in this group you have to talk. That’s the rules.” Johnny looked sideways at the man in his mid-thirties, Clive. He just smiled and nodded, confirming the young man’s statement.

The nervous paramedic rubbed his hands on his jeans and cleared his throat. He looked over his shoulder at Roy, who nodded and mouthed _‘Go on.’_ Johnny turned and looked at the group. They were all waiting patiently. Clive said, “There’s no judgement here John. Take your time and just say whatever comes to mind.”

Johnny kept his head down. “I’m new at this…but…you already know that.” He rubbed his sweating hands on his jeans again.

“Just say what you feel.” A young girl stated, encouraging him to talk.

Johnny looked up startled with her kindness, but lowered his head quickly. He couldn’t look these people in the eye, feeling embarrassed.  It was hard for him to get past feeling weak for being depressed. However, mustering up the much needed courage he forced himself to speak. “I’m a fireman…fireman don’t get depressed right?”

“You’d be surprised how many times we’ve heard that.” An older man avowed. Johnny smiled at that statement.

“I’ve been a fireman for eight years and a paramedic for the last four and nothing like this has ever happened to me before but...my doctor said I’ve been suffering from depression since high school. I just didn’t know it. It’s hard not to feel like a failure.” There, he had finally said it.

“We’ve all felt that way…but talking about it helps. You’re not alone.” The older man put his hand on Johnny’s shoulder. The paramedic finally worked up the courage to bring his head up and face the group.

“I felt so lost and alone…I couldn’t find a reason to get up out of bed so I just stayed there. I was drowning in my depression. We’ve all been there.” The young girl confessed to him. Johnny acknowledged her by looking at her. He could see the same sadness on her face that he had seen in his own reflections.

“How did you stop drowning?” Johnny asked the question before he could stop himself and was about to apologise, but she answered him immediately.

“A friend found me and got me the help I needed. He made me speak up and get what I was feeling out in the open.”

Roy sat back and for the first time saw depression for what it really is. As he listened to the group he gradually understood how crippling it was and wondered how many other firemen like Johnny were suffering from it and not getting the help they needed. Hearing Johnny’s voice through his thoughts made him straighten up and listen more intently.

“I thought I’d travel along this road, mostly uphill, rough and hard and eventually get to the end and be cured…no doubling back. You got to the end and you were safe…but things sneak up on me and my steps falter and I find myself tumbling back down that road. It seems as if the journey had never begun.” Johnny couldn’t understand how his throat could feel so dry and his hands so moist from sweating. He ignored them and pushed on. Talking was healing his soul and the fog that lingered around him was losing its hold. The fierce snarling monster that was constantly threatening to devour him was fading away. The group understood what the paramedic was feeling and assured him that the road got easier. As for reaching the end and being cured that was never to be as far as they knew.

“You learn to live with depression…its part of you…it lurks in the background waiting.” Another member of the group averred.  The group went on for another half hour and by the end Johnny’s throat was no longer dry and his hands moist with sweat. He felt the most relaxed he had felt for a long time. The knowledge that he was not alone feeling what he felt encouraged him. He was able to dispel the doubts that he would never feel good about himself again and be able to do his job.

Roy too felt encouraged and could see sparks of the old Johnny that he knew and loved. They both left the building with a spring in their step. Johnny still had a long way to go but somehow they knew that it was going to get better and smoother. There would be bumps but both paramedics felt more confident about coping with them.

Lloyd emerged from the office triumphantly. He made a beeline to the kitchen. “Well…well…so the department’s ‘star’ paramedic doesn’t like soaps? I thought someone like you would be into them.” The paramedic walked over to the stove to pour himself a cup of coffee. The knowledge he had gained from the files in the Captains’ office made him feel powerful. He believed he had enough ammunition to not only bring his partner down a few pegs but also ruin the reputation of one John Gage.

Josh was horrified. Somehow Lloyd knew. He desperately wanted to ask how he found out but was afraid to hear his answer. Someone had betrayed him. He knew it wasn’t Mike so that left only a handful of other people. The only other person in the department who knew was John Gage. All his thoughts that were running through his head were crushing him. His breathing became ragged. Two years of therapy pushed its way forward and Josh quickly left the room. Distancing himself from his tormentor was his first line of defence. He needed to get himself under control and fight back. Half way across the bay area he turned to the sound of the backing engine. In the side vision mirror Mike’s eyes connected with him and a sense of relief enveloped him.

Mike’s heartbeat increased when he saw Josh as he backed the engine into the station. His smile turned to a frown when he saw the distress in his lover’s eyes. Something was terribly wrong.

 


	15. Chapter 15

It seemed every time Josh looked at Lloyd he had a smirk on his face. The overbearing paramedic acted like he was in on some big secret. Josh tried to ignore the snide comments but they were wearing him down. He was so grateful when their shift ended and he could turn his back on the contemptuous paramedic.

When Josh arrived home he stepped out of his car and stood and closed his eyes. He deliberately slowed his breathing calming his body and allowing the tension from the shift to melt away. When he opened his eyes and his vision cleared he was facing the most important person in his life, Mike.

Mike was concerned when he arrived at his house. He had watched and heard some of the snide comments made by Lloyd Roberts. It took all of his self-control to not smack the sadistic smile off his face. Like Josh he too knew that the obnoxious paramedic knew something. What that something was, was the concern. As he exited his truck he saw Josh was standing next to his car, unmoving. He watched him take deep slow breaths and all the lines of stress around his lover’s eyes disappeared. When Josh opened his eyes he wrapped his arms around him wanting to share his strength and most of all his love.

“Hey…this isn’t like you. I’m alright Mike.” Mike searched Josh’s eyes for the truth. They were bright and smiling. “It takes more than the Lloyds’ in this world to send me backwards.” Josh lent into Mike and started to walk towards the front door. “I have to admit he has me worried and I kind of nearly lost it when we were alone yesterday afternoon…but…” They stopped at the door and Josh looked into Mike’s eyes deeply. “Seeing you when the engine returned I realised I had nothing to be ashamed of even if Lloyd knew about me. I love you and nothing…not the Lloyds’…not depression…will change that.” Mike pushed Josh into the house and kissed him hard. He kicked the door closed and made love to him there on the floor. No words were said, just deep passionate groans escaped their lips as their love making filled every corner of the silent house.

Mike pushed his lover’s tussled hair out of his eyes and softly kissed his mouth. “I love you.” They hugged tightly and soon the hardness of the floor made them both break apart and get up. They walked steadily arm in arm down the hallway into the bathroom. The shower they had together lasted a long time as they, this time, slowly made love. It had been a long time since Mike had been the aggressor but Josh had needed it. His strength and vitality renewed Josh’s spirit and gave him the ability to push the anxieties and insecurities away. Mike was his rock.

Lloyd was sitting in his uncle’s office telling him everything he had found out from the personal files of John Gage and Josh Edwards. “You took a big risk going into those files.” His uncle admonished his nephew’s foolish act. The smile that spread across his uncle’s face took the sting out of his reprimand. “I’ve been waiting years for something like this. Just think…how many other paramedics is he covering up for? Once this gets out our Chief Houts could find himself out of a job.” They both sat back in their chairs gleefully smirking.

“Where do we go from here? You want me to start spreading the rumours.” Lloyd’s uncle thought long and hard. “It’s worked all the other times.”

Lloyd’s uncle lent forward. “Yes but they were small fry. Gage is a very well respected member and he has a lot of powerful friends. So does Houts. No we have to be more subtle in what we do.” Lloyd nodded agreeing but couldn’t stop the sardonic smile from spreading across his face.

Johnny was meeting with Owen and once again the doctor was trying to draw out the paramedic’s past. Johnny had been reluctant to relive his painful high school experiences.

“Whoever said that sticks and stones could hurt, but never words…well, that person was wrong? They had no idea what they were talking about.” Owen waited Johnny out to collect himself. The paramedic told Owen about the bullying and taunting he endured in High School. They had touched on this before but for the first time Johnny actually went into detail. Healing tears were shed by the young man as Owen surmised that the group therapy session had given the paramedic the courage to speak up.

For Johnny, the memories had slammed him, hard and fast, with fiercely sharp corners and jagged edges, and the pain it produced had been almost too much to endure. Yet, somehow after the telling, he was still here. Battered and bruised, perhaps, but closer to intact than he’d have thought he could be. For the first time in weeks he wasn’t braced against anything. Deeply exposing himself had released the caged monsters from his mind. He looked at Owen and saw no judgement of weakness, but saw only admiration.

“That took a lot of courage to tell me that. You should feel proud John. It’s harder for a man to admit his feelings, especially when they make him appear weak.” Owen again waited for Johnny to absorb his words. “You saw yourself as a weak and flawed person. Their taunts remained with you and made you think of yourself as a ‘defective’ person. There is nothing wrong with trying to better yourself but there is if you are doing it for the wrong reasons.” Owen lent forward. “Tell me John…do you see yourself as a good paramedic?”

Johnny searched his doctor’s eyes, worried that he had heard otherwise. Relieved to see no such recriminations he answered, “I think I’m good…I know I’m good…yes I’m a good paramedic.” Owen smiled. This was a huge breakthrough. Johnny’s self-confidence was returning. He patted the young man’s shoulder.

“That’s good John…because you and Roy are the best…and you need to start believing that.” Johnny nodded, understanding. His mind somehow felt brighter as the black fog that had been engulfing him cleared.

When he left the office the outside world looked so much crisper, like the white winter mornings on the reservation when he was a child. He felt brand new and invigorated and for the first time since he and his family had left the reservation he smiled at the memories. It was as if someone had pressed a release button and all the pent up shame and guilt had suddenly been released.

He called Roy and let him know that he was going to the gym. He needed to do something energetic. His partner, pleased to hear the enthusiasm in Johnny’s voice told him he’d meet him there.

Roy watched his partner attack each exercise session with a renewed fervor. He deduced that his session with Dr Edwards had gone well and that his partner had been able to come to terms with a lot of his feelings. Roy was slow and steady with his exercising since he was still recovering but his shoulder was getting stronger every day. He knew he would be back on the job before the end of the month.

He stopped and watched his partner. If Johnny kept progressing the way he was maybe, just maybe he would be sitting next to him in the squad. He blinked and saw the sweat running down his partner’s face. “Hey Junior don’t push too hard or you’ll be sore tomorrow.”

Johnny stopped and sat up. He grabbed his towel and wiped his face. “You’re right Roy…I just feel so…” Johnny raised his shoulders and scrunched up his face, searching for the right word.

“Bouncy?” Roy smiled at his partner’s surprised look. “You look like you’re ready to run a marathon. Where did all this energy come from?”

“I don’t know Roy. I feel free all of a sudden…like a great weight has been lifted.” He looked at his sweat soaked clothes and chuckled. “You finished?”

“Yeah, I don’t want to overdo it. How about, I buy us lunch?” Roy stood and stretched all the kinks out of his body.

“Sounds good Roy. There’s this great restaurant down the road with the biggest salad bar you’ve ever seen.” The partners walked towards the showers and Roy couldn’t help but smile at Johnny’s description of all the various salads. It was as if a whole new world of foods had been opened up to him and like the old Johnny he experienced it to the fullest.


	16. Chapter 16

Lloyd couldn’t stop himself. The idea of holding back and not acting on the information he had so ingeniously acquired was too tempting. His insides were quivering in anticipation. He had the chance to bad mouth everyone’s favourite paramedic and knock him off the pedestal they had him on. His uncle wanted him to wait, sit on it, but he couldn’t. Reaching boiling point and threatening to erupt and spill over, Lloyd got his chance. He was waiting for his partner in the doctor’s lounge at Rampart along with one of the paramedics from station 43. His tongue took over.

“It’s a shame about Gage.” He tried to sound sincere but the other paramedic detected a slight coldness in the remark. He like many other paramedics disliked Lloyd Roberts and his damaging comments.

“Johnny Gage?” Billy Hanks asked. He knew Lloyd had no idea of the history Billy shared with station 51’s A shifts paramedics. He acted like a willing listener, wanting to know what this vicious man was spreading about his friend.

“I’ve heard he’s gone off the deep end. They’re saying he’s sick…as usual Brackett’s covering up for one of his favourites, do no wrong, high and mighty John Gage…but I’ve heard he’s lost it.” Lloyd remained casual and matter-of-fact as he spoke but there was venom in his words. “They say he’s got what half the housewives in America have, depression. Huh, who would have thought…Gage suffering from a woman’s condition? Not so high and mighty now.”

“More people suffer from depression than housewives Lloyd. Most of the alcoholics in this country suffer from it. If it’s true…he’ll be back. It’s a treatable condition.” Billy’s partner entered the room. He noticed his partner’s discomfort and gave him an enquiring look.

“Ready to go?” He was a lot younger and reminded Billy of himself when he first started out as a paramedic. He got up quickly and nodded. Billy didn’t acknowledge Lloyd as he left. “What’s wrong?” Billy grabbed his arm and literally dragged him to the squad.

Billy took a deep breath as he sat in the squad. He felt soiled and suddenly had an urge to take a shower.* “I don’t like that man.” He turned and looked at his partner. “I know he’s a fellow fire fighter but he rubs me the wrong way. He’s always bad mouthing someone and causing trouble.” His partner furrowed his eyebrows.

“Isn’t his uncle one of the high ranking chiefs?”

Billy nodded. He started the squad and vowed to give Roy a call. He didn’t like Lloyd talking about fellow paramedics let alone one he considered a good friend.

“What’s wrong?” Joanne was wiping her hands with a dish towel as she entered their front room. She was about to announce lunch was ready but had seen the dark look on her husband’s face as he hung up the phone.

He shook his head and sighed. “That was Billy Hanks, station 43’s paramedic. Johnny and I trained him when he first started.”

“What’s happened Roy?” Roy looked up at his wife and realised she thought the worst.

“No one’s hurt…it’s nothing like that.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Billy heard something from another paramedic…about Johnny.”

“Ohhh…I guess it’s hard to keep something like that a secret.” Joanne didn’t see the seriousness of the situation.

“You don’t understand Joanne…No one should know…a lot of people don’t understand depression…I didn’t really understand it till I went to that group therapy session…but…some of the guys may not want to work with Johnny. It could hurt his career…and Johnny.”

“Maybe you should talk to someone. Who knows in the department?” Joanne could understand how men would react to this and in the next breath, not.

“Cap, Dr Brackett…I think Dixie…oh and Chief Houts of course. He mentioned to Cap that Johnny’s not alone in this…that there are a few fire fighters who have been diagnosed.”

“Well…there’s your answer…talk to Chief Houts. Maybe if you got it out in the open…it would become more accepted rather than feared…who knows…somebody may need help and might find the courage to speak up if it’s out in the open…and Johnny wouldn’t have to hide how he feels so much. It would certainly stop the talk…Lunch is ready by the way.” Roy nodded and followed his wife into the kitchen deep in thought. His wife’s words made sense.

“You know sitting in on that therapy session with Johnny I thought…how many fire fighters are suffering from depression? Maybe the department should look at holding group therapy sessions.”

“I think that’s a great idea Roy…especially for those like Johnny who have no one to talk to. Why don’t you make an appointment with Chief Houts and suggest it?”

“I’ll talk to Cap first…maybe he can come along. I’m sure he’ll agree with me after he sits in on the group therapy session this afternoon.” Roy took a bite of his sandwich. “I’ll call him tonight” Roy looked at his wife thoughtfully. “I might grab a nap before the kids get home. Want to join me?” The couple smiled at each other. Having her husband home these past few months had its rewards.

Captain Stanley watched his paramedic pile different salads on his plate. He shook his head when a second plate was filled with slices of fruit. They sat and ate in silence. Cap was still a little overwhelmed from the group therapy session he had just observed. He had no idea, like Roy, how serious and humiliating depression could be. Yet, here sitting across from him, was a man who had fallen down and had fought hard to get back up. He had no doubt that John’s partner and best friend was the reason he was fighting back but he couldn’t help but admire the strength of character John possessed.

“You’re staring Cap.” Johnny kept his eyes down and continued to eat. Hank blinked and realised John was right.

“I’m sorry…I was just thinking…”

“That’s okay…Roy was doing the exact same thing after he sat in on the therapy session.” There was no anger in his words or accusations just acceptance. “You’re staring again.”  This time there was a hint of laughter in the comment. Cap shook his head and smiled.

“I’m sorry John…I don’t know what to say.”

“Just say what you feel Cap…it’s okay…we’re friends here…you can say whatever you want.” Hank regarded Johnny and saw the readiness in his eyes.

“I’m proud of you John. You’ve fought hard and I’m…just so proud.” Johnny wiped his mouth with his napkin and took a sip of his ice tea. He reigned in his emotions. He hadn’t expected this kind of praise from his superior.

“I couldn’t have done it without you and Roy.” He ran his finger over the surface of the table, gathering his thoughts. “Something Roy told me…in the hospital…stuck with me. I was trying to explain to him how I felt when I was standing on the roof.” Cap felt a shiver run up his spine. “He told me my friends were pulling for me and that he wouldn’t let the depression swallow me…that he’d find me and pull me out. I knew then that I wasn’t alone…and…that’s given me the strength to fight. I don’t want to ever be in that dark lonely place again.”

“That’s good to hear John because I for one want you in the squad where you belong.” Johnny nodded.

“I want more than that Cap. I want to help other firemen like me. I…I don’t want them to feel as alone as I felt…Do you understand what I mean?”

“I think I do…especially after today.” Cap lent back in his chair. “Our jobs are demanding…both physically and mentally…and I’ve seen good men leave the department because they’ve…burnt out…for want of a better word.” Johnny smiled at the use of the word burnt.

“It’s fitting in our line of business Cap.”

“I guess it is…” He lent forward and took on a more serious persona. “I’ve seen a lot of good men turn to alcohol also John. Maybe…thinking back…if they had someone…one of their own…to talk to…maybe they wouldn’t have reached for that bottle.” Johnny nodded agreeing with his Captain. He too had seen friends and fellow firemen self-destruct at the bottom of a bottle. Wanting to keep things a little less intense, Cap rubbed his hands together and announced, “What’s for desert?” Johnny chuckled.

“Isn’t that my line Cap?”

Cap slapped his young crew member on the back as they rose from their chairs. “I believe it is John…lead the way.” The two firemen made their way to the desert area and helped themselves. The Cap, like Roy, felt protective urges towards his paramedic and made sure that John knew he could count on him, to always be there for him.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * For Kelmin.


	17. Chapter 17

Two weeks had passed. Roy was having his final check up with Dr Brackett and arranging for him to attend a meeting with Chief Houts and Captain Stanley to discuss therapy sessions within the fire department, while Johnny was standing at the nurse’s station chatting with Dixie. When Dixie got called away Johnny made his way towards the doctor’s lounge. He and Roy were going to the gym straight after his appointment. Johnny was about to open the door when he heard his name mentioned.

“Surely they won’t allow him back in the squad. Gage could end up having a breakdown or something right in the middle of a rescue.”

“Yeah I wouldn’t want to be the one watching his back.”

“Me neither. DeSoto will probably end up taking the engineer’s exam to get away from him. What is it with Gage having a woman’s condition anyway? If I didn’t know he chased anything in a skirt I’d think he was a fag or something.”

“Hey Gage.” Johnny, startled, turned around and faced one of station 110s paramedics. “You alright…want me to get a doctor?” The paramedic could see the distress in Johnny’s eyes. That distress turned to anger.

“Why? You afraid I’m going to have a breakdown or something? Or…or…or make a pass at you?” Johnny pushed past the paramedic. Johnny knew exactly whose voice he had been listening to in the doctor’s lounge.

He walked forcefully through the ER doors out into the parking lot. As he walked, he gained speed and soon found himself jogging, wanting to put as much distance between himself and Lloyd Roberts. Their words stung his eyes and soon his vision blurred as they clouded. He was running as fast as he could, when suddenly, he started to find it hard to breathe and had to slow down to catch his breath. His throat felt thick as his breathing came in ragged gasps. He finally slowed to a walk and kept going to nowhere in particular.

Roy stuck his head in the doctor’s lounge. He cringed when he saw Lloyd Roberts and his partner sitting drinking coffee. “Hey…either of you seen Johnny?”

Lloyd’s partner spoke up. “I saw him Roy. He looked…well…he headed towards the parking lot.” Roy noticed that the paramedic was uncomfortable. Something was not right with the whole scene. Lloyd was smirking and his partner was continually glancing at him as if he knew more than he was letting on.

Roy closed the door and frowned. _‘Why would Johnny leave?’_ He made his way through the ER doors and walked towards his car hoping that his partner was just waiting for him in the car. He was disappointed when he found it empty. He looked around the parking lot but his partner was nowhere to be seen.

“Hey Roy.” Roy turned around. Lloyd’s partner was standing, shuffling from one foot to the other, looking very nervous. “I thought you should know…Johnny looked pretty upset…I think he may have overheard a conversation between Lloyd and Stan Dobson.” He bowed his head. “Lloyd knows about Johnny’s depression and he’s making sure everyone else knows about it.” The paramedic looked shamefaced at Roy. “I’m sorry Roy.”

“Ooh no…” Roy groaned and ran his hand over his face. They were two of the biggest loud mouths in the department. He could only guess what they were saying about his best friend. “Thanks for telling me.” Roy got in his car and drove away hoping he was heading in the right direction.

He soon caught sight of his partner walking along the side of the road. Roy parked his car and ran up behind his partner and grabbed his arm. Johnny shook his arm free of Roy’s grasp. He turned his back on his partner not wanting him to see his distress.

“Johnny…” Roy saw his friend flinch, anger apparent in his stance, but he didn’t walk away. “I ran into Lloyd and his partner back at the hospital…You want to talk about it?”

Johnny swung around and faced his best friend. “They know Roy…and they’re making me out to be some sort of…of…weakling whose about to have some kind of breakdown. That’s what they think Roy.” Roy found it hard to keep eye contact with his friend. The depths of his distress made him want to drive back to Rampart and punch Lloyd Roberts in the face until he could no longer stand up.

Roy sighed and searched for the words that would help his friend. “You’re greatest enemy will be ignorance and fear Johnny…but I know you…you’ll fight and make them understand…maybe not the Lloyd Roberts of this world but others. Together we’ll make them understand.” Roy raised his hand slowly and placed it on his partner’s shoulder. “What do you say Johnny?”

“You don’t understand Roy…you don’t know how I feel, what this is doing to me.”

“Then tell me.” Roy’s gaze steady on his partner’s face. “Tell me how you feel.”

“Alright then, if you must know I’m scared to death. Every day I wake up thinking, will I be all right today or will I end up standing on some roof top somewhere? I try to stay strong and fight away the thoughts but sometimes I feel so tired…then I get angry because all I want is to get back to doing what I love but…but…will I be able to? Will there be the trust that I can do the job?” Johnny turned around and hugged himself. “Will you be strong enough to trust me?” Roy stood frozen to the spot staring at Johnny’s back absorbing his words. He thought his partner was getting better but he had been fooling himself.

“I don’t feel in control anymore. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge about to fall. I know I’ve got to learn to live with it and not let it take control of me but it’s so hard…and then when I hear what my so called _brothers_ think of me…I never realised how much it was going to hurt. How it would feel when people I work with and helped train think of me as some kind of failure…that I’m incapable of doing my job. I can’t fight it anymore.”

"So, what are you saying?" Roy asked softly. "That you're going to give up on life. Throw away the job you love. I thought better of you, Johnny. I thought you had more fight in you than that."

“I want to go home Roy…Please take me home.” Roy squeezed Johnny’s shoulder.

“Alright Johnny…if that’s what you want…but I’m not giving up on you even if you’re giving up on yourself.” The two friends walked back to Roy’s car. They travelled in silence back to Johnny’s apartment.

Johnny slowly got out of the car. “Thanks Roy.” He didn’t look up because he knew he would see disappointment in his best friend’s eyes.

“Johnny!” He stopped walking but didn’t turn around. “I’m still going to the gym if you change your mind later.” He nodded, not trusting his voice, and waved as he headed up the stairs to his apartment.

Johnny entered, threw down his gym bag and sat heavily on his couch. Eventually, as the apartment remained quiet around him, the only sound was the low drone of his refrigerator, Johnny’s anger and distress faded. Roy’s words replayed in his mind. _‘So, what are you saying? That you're going to give up on life. Throw away the job you love. I thought better of you, Johnny. I thought you had more fight in you than that.’_ The full enormity of that suddenly hit home to Johnny.

 ‘ _Your greatest enemies are ignorance and fear,_ ' he recalled Roy’s words, _‘_ _but I know you…you’ll fight and make them understand…maybe not the Lloyd Roberts of this world but others. Together we’ll make them understand.’_ And since when, Johnny thought with a wry smile, have I ever run away from a fight? He grabbed his keys and gym bag and left his apartment.

Roy was half way through a set of weights when two familiar feet came into view. He looked up; Johnny was standing smiling down at his best friend.

“Together we’ll make them understand?” Roy put down the weight and stood up. He put his hand around Johnny’s neck and pulled his head forward and they butted foreheads.

“Together.” Roy said softly to his friend.


	18. Chapter 18

Roy slowly closed the journal and ran his finger down its spine, absorbing the raw emotions emanating from it. He felt reluctant to break contact with the book, so powerful its contents, he would be unable keep his own feelings in check. He laid his hand flat on its front cover and closed his eyes, allowing the words to take up residence in his mind.

After what seemed liked hours but was in fact only minutes he worked up the courage to speak. “I never knew.” He looked up at his long time paramedic partner and best friend with clouded eyes. “I wish I had of known.”

Johnny stood staring out his small kitchen window. He had stood there while Roy read his journal and cocooned himself from reacting to his friend’s pain. He felt guilt for exposing his friend to his darkest thoughts and corrupting his expectations for the future. Roy’s naivety about depression would take on a maturity that he hoped would help him understand. He heard Roy speak and was dismayed to hear the anguish in his best friend’s voice.

Johnny let out a long breath, his shoulders sagged and he bowed his head. His guilt made his heart ache. Destroying his friend’s innocence was not why he had allowed him to read the journal, but he had and there was no going back. “No one knew…not even myself. For as long as I can remember I never understood…me…till I wrote those words. Those words are me.”

“They don’t have to be Johnny.” Roy spoke quietly and calmly. Johnny couldn’t help but chuckle at Roy’s unwavering optimism.

He turned around and drew all of his courage from within his soul to face his friend. “I wish that were true. Every day I tell myself…I can do this…I’m a good person and I…can…do…this.” Johnny sighed and bowed his head. “But…I’m kidding myself…Changing the way I feel in here and here,” Johnny pointed to his heart and head, “Is a long way from happening…I’m beginning to accept that a lot of how I feel may never change.” Johnny raised his hand to stop Roy from interrupting. “That’s okay…I know that now…I’ll always feel inferior…it’s been with me too long…it’s etched in my soul…but what I need to do is use it as a weapon.”

“I don’t know what you mean.” Roy was only latching onto certain words, _inferior_ and _it may never change_ , and wasn’t able to understand what his friend was trying to share.

Johnny sat down opposite his best friend. He handed him another journal and asked him to read it. In this journal were Johnny’s dreams and desires for the future. Roy accepted it and started to read it, willingly to do anything for his troubled friend. Johnny smiled and watched the lines of worry and anxieties slowly disappear from his best friend’s face.

When Roy finished reading, there was no slowness or reluctance in his movements. Positive strength and vitality filled the room. Johnny looked his friend in the eye, Roy seeing a new sensibleness and fight in them, and said, “You said together…Do you still believe that?”

A wide smile broke out on Roy’s face and his blue eyes radiated determination and above all amity. The previous fears for his friend’s future wellbeing drowned in the dreams and desires of the words he had just read. “Together…and it’s not just me Johnny. Cap, the guys…even Chief Houts all believe in you…But…do you believe or are they just words?” Roy searched his friend’s face for the answer. His previous declaration that his dark feelings may never change was still lingering in the air and brought with it doubt.

Johnny’s face broke out in a wide grin. “A month ago…they would have been just words…now…that journal is my life…what I live for. I read it every day and remind myself this can be me. Do you understand?”

Roy nodded. His hand traced across the table to the first journal. “Do you still write in this?” Johnny shook his head.

“Those monsters have been chased away by this.” Johnny placed both hands on the other journal. Roy saw a slight tremble. His friend’s emotions were raw and sharp. The edge that he had said that he was teetering on was ever so present. The lines between the two journals were fragile. Roy placed his hands on top of his best friends and passed on the strength of their friendship.

“Together Johnny…never alone.” Johnny stared at their hands, Roy’s warmth passing through his body and reaching his heart. He felt it beat and as his blood flowed through his body so did _their_ coupled strength.

He repeated his friend’s words. “Together…never alone.” He picked up his pen and wrote those words in his journal.

Three days later Lloyd Roberts was sitting in his uncle’s office, sullenly listening to him berate him for his foolishness. “I asked you to stay quiet…but nooo…you had to open that mouth of yours. Now I’m under investigation.” He was pointing to the next office.

The previous day, Chief Houts, Captain Stanley, Roy DeSoto and Dr Brackett had sat around the conference table and discussed holding group therapy sessions in the fire department. They had also discussed the growing rumours about John Gage and Josh Edwards. Chief Houts had been more concerned as to how the confidential personal information had been obtained than the rumours themselves. His first thoughts were that Chief Roberts had illicitly read the personnel files of John Gage and Josh Edwards. Roy had informed everyone present about the rumours. He had found out about Josh through Johnny, who had talked to Josh at length about his shift with Lloyd Edwards.

The day before the meeting Johnny had called Josh and asked if he could meet up with him. Josh invited him to his house for lunch. At first Johnny had just talked about how he was fighting the depression and what he had learnt from the group therapy sessions. He also mentioned about the meeting and arranging therapy sessions within the department, but it was Josh who pushed Johnny to tell him what was really on his mind.

Johnny told Josh what he overheard at Rampart. He embarrassingly told how Lloyd had all but accused him of being a fag for suffering from depression. “I know it’s silly…but it really unsettled me. I have nothing against you or anyone else being gay but I’m ashamed to say that having myself referred to that way upset me and literally sent me running. I just wanted to put as much distance between me and the conversation so that it wouldn’t taint me. I’m sorry Josh…my reaction was…”

“Totally normal Johnny. Don’t feel bad on my account. I do understand. You’re like a lot of people…you’re tolerant but not accepting. I just hope that one day people will be more accepting of our lifestyle and not judge us.”

“You know with all the prejudice that I have put up with through my life I never thought I could be prejudice.” Johnny bowed his head shamefully.

“Nobody is perfect.” Josh put his hand on Johnny’s shoulder. Johnny shook his head and chuckled.

“I always compared myself to you and went as far as referring to you as Perfect Josh. I also thought that you were not so perfect because you were gay. I was wrong to think that. Again I’m sorry.” Johnny looked at his young friend for forgiveness.

Josh smiled. “I thank you for your honesty. I have a confession to make…I thought you had betrayed me. The way Lloyd was acting…the barbs and the innuendos…I thought you had told him I was gay but I know now it was all to do with him finding out about the depression…but how did he find out?” Johnny shook his head.

“I don’t know but Roy and Cap are having a meeting with Chief Houts tomorrow so maybe they’ll come up with some ideas.”

“It’s as if he had read our personal files.” Josh clicked his fingers. “The office!”

“Huh.” Johnny was confused.

“Lloyd made a point of being alone in Cap’s office to fill out the log book. Do you think he’d risk going through the files?”

“Wouldn’t surprise me what that man would do to get what he wants and for some reason he’s always disliked me and Roy. I don’t know why. We never had anything to do with his training. Neither of us has ever worked with him.” Johnny ran his hand through his hair.

“Johnny!” The senior paramedic had his back to Josh. Josh could see how tense the older man was and knew that he needed to get him to relax. “Johnny it will be okay. If they do go ahead with these therapy sessions, it will all come out in the open. That’s the whole idea isn’t it?” Johnny sighed and relaxed his shoulders.

“You’re right. Roy said it was a way to fight the fear and ignorance.” He sighed again and sat down. “You’re right.” He gave Josh his crooked smile.

“You know you’re really cute when you smile like that.” Johnny was aghast. Josh laughed. “Relax Johnny I’m spoken for. I was just kidding.”

“Oh…I guess I still have a few insecurities.” Johnny confessed.

Josh slapped him on the back. “Don’t we all Johnny. How about some lunch?” The two men walked out onto a deck and enjoyed each other’s company over lunch. Josh was able to give Johnny some of the answers he needed and realised if they did hold group therapy sessions within the department that the participants would really benefit from them. Listening to others who suffer from depression and speaking up, is the key to fighting depression and the ignorance that comes with it.


	19. Chapter 19

An hour had passed since Lloyd’s uncle had berated him for his stupidity. He waited for his uncle to come up with the much needed solution to their dilemma. “Here’s what we do.” Lloyd shifted his stiffening muscles in his seat. “You…very subtlety…and I mean subtlety…hint that you overheard about Gage having depression at the hospital. Everyone knows the hospital is full of gossipers and has a grapevine as long as route 66.” It never occurred to Lloyd’s uncle that Johnny’s medical file might have something different written in it and that the few people who knew about the depression would not have spoken about it in front of others to hear.

Lloyd himself had forgotten about the way he had acted while on shift at station 51 towards Josh. Later his lies about obtaining personal information about Josh and their consequences would be his undoing. “I can do that.”

“Make sure you do…and make it subtle otherwise they’ll be onto you. I, on the other hand, have nothing to worry about because apart from a few discreet enquiries, I’ve done nothing wrong. That’ll irk Houts no end.” He sat back with a satisfied smile on his face. “You know with everything going on…it’s going to draw attention to Houts and Gage. People are going to wonder what’s going on and soon enough it will be out about Houts covering up Gage’s depression.” He lent forward and tapped his fingers on his desk. “And that may lead to people questioning who else has had Houts cover for them.” He lent back in his chair and made a steeple with his hands. “Yes…this could be to our advantage…Let the investigation do our dirty work.”

Lloyd smiled in both relief and anticipation. He was back on keel with his uncle and hopefully, for both of them, looking forward to the rewards from the investigation. If he had of thought through everything carefully he would have seen the gaping holes in their reasoning.

Josh looked up from his locker when Roy entered the room. Roy held out his hand. “Hi, I’m Roy DeSoto…Johnny’s partner. I’ve been cleared to return to work…so I guess we’ll be working together until Johnny’s better.” Josh shook Roy’s hand and felt a little nervous. He was older than Johnny and seemed more formal. Roy looked back at the door to the locker room before speaking. He cleared his throat. “I want to thank you for helping Johnny. He told me it was you who got him to realise what was happening to him and I just want to thank you for that.”

Josh relaxed and smiled. “I’m glad I was able to help him. Johnny’s a good man and he helped me a lot. It was the least I could do.” Roy nodded.

“Johnny told me you’re one of the best he’s seen come through the program.” Roy smiled and his voice softened as he spoke. He started to change and turned when he heard the door open.

“Hello Roy. Welcome back.” The quietly spoken engineer had seen Roy enter the locker room and wanted to make sure Josh was okay with Roy.

“Thanks Mike. It’s good to be back…although…my wife may not agree.” Both Josh and Mike smiled at that statement.

The door burst open. “Hey Roy…welcome back…how’s Johnny?” Roy shook his head. The lineman could be Johnny’s worst nightmare but his concern for his partner was unprecedented. He chuckled, Mike snickered.

“He’s getting there Chet. He still has a long way to go but he’s getting there. You know Chet he’ll be very touched to hear that you care.” Chet shrugged his shoulders and quickly covered his concern.

“I don’t care Roy I’m just wondering when we’ll all be back together.” He turned in Josh’s direction. “No offence Josh…you’re good and everything but I miss my pigeon.” Josh raised his eyebrows. Roy explained.

“Chet here likes to pull pranks on Johnny…Their relationship is complicated.”

“What relationship? I keep telling you, there is no relationship.” Chet sputtered indignantly.

Roy closed his locker and pinned on his badges. “You keep telling yourself that Chet and one day someone might believe you.” He slapped the lineman on the back as he left. Mike smiled at Chet.

“Roy’s kidding himself if he thinks I care about Gage.” Chet said to Mike.

“Who are you trying to convince Chet?......Me or yourself?” Mike got up and left the locker room, closely followed by Josh. Both were snickering in his wake. Chet turned and smiled. He thought about Roy’s words. _‘He’s getting there Chet. He still has a long way to go but he’s getting there.’_ He sighed with relief and quickly finished getting changed. Chet had been very worried about Johnny and didn’t like how evasive Cap had been about his friend. He didn’t know that Cap was trying to keep the depression private. It was up to Johnny to tell Chet and the others, not him.

“I would just like to take this opportunity to say Welcome Back Roy.” The crew stood in a line for roll call. Cap went through the usual notices and task assignments. When they broke off Josh followed Roy over to the squad.

Just like he had done for the past five years with Johnny, he went through the morning calibrations. Dixie smiled when she heard Roy’s voice come through and welcomed him back. Her face saddened when she thought about Johnny and how close they all came to losing him to depression. She hoped that she would hear his cheerful voice say the same words again one morning in the near future.

Johnny made his way to Owen’s office for his one on one session. The doctor had cut back his medication and he was feeling more alert. Having got past talking about his young adulthood, they were now moving into his fire department life. It was not unknown that the paramedics worked in very stressful jobs but how they coped with those stresses was what Owen was going to now focus on. He had already established that Roy’s absence had been a huge factor in Johnny’s downfall, and the fact that his young adult insecurities had become more dominant when working with Josh. Johnny had also been ‘dropped’ by a girlfriend he had been dating for a couple of months prior to Roy being injured and had not been able to talk it over with his partner. Johnny had pushed the break up to the back of his mind because he had been so concerned about his partner’s injury but it had left an imprint of doubt. It wasn’t til Owen had touched on the subject about his many dates that Johnny remembered and told Owen about the sudden break up. His inability to hold onto a lasting relationship was another insecurity that the paramedic needed to deal with. Owen knew that all these combined occurrences had brought on the depression and the dark thoughts about himself. His job now was to help Johnny recognise these symptoms and act on them before letting them take hold.

After the session Johnny had a lot to think about and one of the ways to cope with his thoughts was to write them down. He found a quiet spot in the hospital grounds and began to write. It had been a while since he had written in the journal that held his darkest thoughts but he knew there would be times in the future that this journal would help him get his thoughts together after a stressful day on the job. It was a tool he would use to cope with stress for the rest of his life.

“John Gage…I haven’t run into you for a long time. How long has it been? Four years?” Johnny stopped writing and cringed. He closed his journal and protectively slid it close to his body. This was the last person he wanted to run into, his emotions still raw from his session with Owen.

“Ed.” He said quietly. The younger man immediately picked up on his once paramedic trainer‘s unease.

“This is the last place I would have expected to see you. Not many people know about this part of the hospital.” The underlying insinuations hardened his tone.

“We all have our problems Ed.” Johnny felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise and controlled the urge to run. He felt trapped being with this man who he and Roy had washed out from the paramedic program. Thoughts of showing this man his weaknesses gnawed on his nerves and made him apprehensive and guarded. Fortunately Ed didn’t pick up on Johnny’s distress and announced that he had an appointment and needed to get going. There was clearly no love lost between the two men but they politely said their goodbyes and Ed strolled off.

Johnny’s heart was beating wildly and he had broken out in a sweat. He wondered if this was how it was going to always be once his secret was out about his depression. He remembered his journal and like when he first started to write in it when Owen gave it to him, he became an obsessed man. It was only when the light started to noticeably fade that he realised he had been writing for close on four hours. He was so lost in his thoughts that he had allowed them to take over and take control of his hand.

Johnny shook his head in defeat. The chance meeting with Ed had had more of an effect on him than it should have and reminded Johnny that he still had a long road ahead of him.


	20. Chapter 20

“You know…if you keep flirting with them like that sooner or later one of them is going to work you out and your secret will be out.” Roy casually announced to Josh after observing him charm three young nurses with a rescue story.

They were on their way back to the station and Roy’s words were repeating themselves over and over in Josh’s mind. Finally he couldn’t stand it any longer so he asked. “What secret were you referring to back there?”

Roy continued to concentrate on the road. “That you’re gay…right?” It hit Josh like a slap in the face. Roy glanced at him and added, “Look…my brother in law is gay. He acts exactly the same way. In fact you really remind me of Trev. I have nothing against it so don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone…but just out of interest…did Johnny know?”

“Not till I told him.” Josh was still a little stunned that Roy had sussed him out so quickly.

“Of course. Johnny’s not one to pick up on that sort of stuff. He tends to obsess over the craziest things...a letter from the IRS and he’ll worry himself into an early grave and think up all sorts of reasons for the letter…or have a pretty girl flirt with him and he’ll think up every reason possible for her talking to him when all she wanted was for him to ask her out…which I might add he would have probably done if she hadn’t of flirted with him…but everyday things like body language he’s oblivious.” Roy smiled and shook his head. “No…knowing Johnny he wouldn’t have guessed.”

“I didn’t think I was that obvious.” Josh said quietly as they backed into the station.

“You’re not to the average person…but someone who’s around someone like yourself a lot would see the tell-tale signs. Trev lived with us for around four months till he got his own place and we got to know a lot of his friends. So did Johnny I might add. They all act the same.” Roy got out of the squad. Josh remained seated and thought over what Roy said. He hadn’t realised he was that obvious although Mike had warned him several times to tone down the charm. He just couldn’t help himself. He liked flirting and he thought it was a good cover but if someone as straight as Roy could see through him, who else had? He suddenly felt very exposed and unsettled.

Mike had tried to make eye contact with Josh all evening but for some unknown reason he avoided looking at the engineer. He knew something was very wrong and worried all the way home after end of shift. He didn’t bother taking the time to put his car away in the garage, just left it parked out in the street. He entered the house and searched room after room for Josh. He finally found him in their bedroom sitting on the end of the bed staring.

“Josh…what’s wrong?” He had only seen his lover like this once before. Alarm bells were going off in Mike’s head.

“Roy knows…He worked me out and even warned me to be careful.” He looked up at Mike. “He knows.”

Mike sat down on the bed next to Josh. “Roy won’t tell anyone…besides…is it such a bad thing that he knows when you work so closely?”

Josh stood and started to pace in front of Mike. “That’s not the point Mike. If he worked me out…who else has? And if someone else has…who have they told? Before we know it…it will be all over the department.” He stopped abruptly and faced Mike. “You know what that means. First it will be the hate letters…then the late night phone calls…then…” Mike stood up and grabbed Josh by the shoulders.

“Don’t do this to yourself. This isn’t college. We’re talking about our brother firemen…not immature college students who have nothing better to do than to harass what they don’t have the brains to understand.” He pulled Josh into a hug and held him. All the therapy and exercises that Josh had endured over the last two years were forgotten and Mike could see the old insecurities exploding to the surface with such force that he could see that he was losing Josh. “Please stay with me…don’t do this to yourself.”

“I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”

“I know.” Mike continued to hold his lover. He rubbed his hand over his back. He then held Josh’s face between his hands and looked deeply into his eyes. “I love you…nothing will change that. You hear me…nothing.” He kissed him softly on the lips. He continued kissing a trail down to his neck. Josh threw his head back and let Mike take control. Mike opened Josh’s shirt and kissed his chest sucking on his nipples and continuing back up his neck. He kissed him on his lips and pushed his tongue into his mouth as he undid his jeans. Mike’s hands travelled over his lover’s body. He ran his finger down between his cheeks till he found his lover’s hole. He caressed it sending shivers through Josh’s body. His finger entered him sending him into a world of ecstasy.

Mike gently laid him down on the bed and quickly undressed. He licked and nibbled on the sensitive spots of his lover. Josh was groaning and panting and trembling with desire. Spasms shot through his body when Mike took him whole in his mouth and caressed his prostrate with his finger. His senses were overloaded and he found himself coming so hard that he almost passed out. It took some time for his body to stop convulsing from the spasms of coming.

Josh opened his eyes and was looking into his lover’s eyes. They held nothing but deep love and desire for him. Tears rolled down his face as the after effects of their love making hit him. Mike kissed away the tears brought him to another white out as he continued to suck and caress all of his sensitive spots. Josh was sure that he actually blacked out the second time round as his senses went into overdrive. When he finally came back to earth Mike was still kissing him and he felt totally loved. He allowed Mike to do whatever he wanted with him and found himself coming a third time.

Josh relaxed in Mike’s arms and slept. His worries were forgotten, suddenly unimportant, as he was held by the most important person in his life, his rock. Soon Mike joined Josh in sleep and they remained that way till later in the morning.

Mike entered Josh and sucked on his shoulder as he pushed further into him. Mike held onto his lover’s shaft and ran his thumb over his slit. He ran his hand up and down in rhythm to his love making. Spasms assaulted Josh’s body and when he felt the warmth of his lover’s juice inside him he came also, spurting over and over as his body trembled. They had not made love like this for some time. He felt like he was floating when his body finally relaxed. He wrapped his legs around Mike and held him inside him and felt him slowly harden. Mike started up the rhythm of love making and soon both were whiting out. They frantically kissed, both wanting to pass on their feverish love. Finally both lovers were spent so they held each other and stayed that way, drifting in and out of light sleep, for most of the day.

“Better.” Josh sighed and smiled.

“Oh yes…I love you.” They kissed passionately neither wanting their day of love making to end.

“Who needs therapy when we have each other?” Josh smiled and ran his hand through Mike’s hair. Tears of joy pooled in his eyes.

“I love you so much.” They kissed again and made slow passionate love. They ended their day soaking in the bath, Mike bringing Josh to the edge again and holding him there long enough to show him how much he deeply loved him and then letting him come as he fell into his lovers embrace.

Afterwards Josh lent back into Mike and let out a long satisfied breath. _‘Who needs therapy when I have my rock?’_ Josh thought.

Johnny sat alone in his apartment and tried to motivate himself to eat the salad in his fridge. He gave up and ordered pizza. He answered the knock on his door thinking it was the ordered pizza. He was surprised to find Chet standing there.

“Chet, come on in.” He opened the door wider allowing the lineman in.

“I just wanted to see how you were and catch up.” Chet only took a few steps into the apartment and waited for his friend to offer him a seat. Five years of friendship remained aloof as he found himself awkwardly trying to make small talk.

Johnny picked up on Chet’s awkwardness and asked him what was wrong. “It’s not the same without you there at the station and I just got to thinking…Why not pay you a visit.” There was a knock at the door.

“That will be the pizza I ordered.” Johnny jumped up and answered the door and paid for the pizza. He placed it on the coffee table and grabbed some plates and napkins. “What would you like to drink? I don’t have any beer but I have just about everything else.”

“Soda’s fine.” Johnny came back into the room with the drinks and a container with salad in it.

“Help yourself Chet.” Johnny opened the pizza. The smells of the cheese and the tomato sauce hit him. His desire for pizza gone, he opened the container and scooped the chicken caesar salad onto his plate.

“Aren’t you going to have pizza?” Chet asked as he watched Johnny fill his plate with the salad.

“Nah…I was feeling a bit sorry for myself when I ordered that. I haven’t had pizza since I’ve been off. I really don’t know why I ordered it. You’re doing me a favour by eating it.” Johnny sat back and started to eat the salad. His stomach growled and latched onto the food. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

Chet filled Johnny in on what was happening with their friends within the fire department and also told him about the rumours. Johnny shook his head when Chet talked about Lloyd Roberts. “Poor Josh…I really can’t like that man. I did talk to Josh about his shift with him but I didn’t realise it was that bad. The rumour about me suffering from depression is true Chet.” Johnny sat back and chose his words carefully. “I was in a dark place. It takes over and all you can think of is these thoughts of how terrible a person you are and that your friends will be better off without you. I almost jumped from the roof of the hospital.”

Chet froze and looked at his friend in disbelief. “Roy saved me that day. He talked me back to reality…and…saved me. I owe him my life.”

“Do you still feel that way?” Chet asked tentatively.

“No…I got help. My doctor is really good…but…days like today can sometimes be hard. Yesterday he dredged up some of the bad stuff and sometimes, when I think about everything, like I have been doing today, I start feeling sorry for myself…but…hey…you’re here…so let’s not talk about all that stuff. Tell me who’s dating who?” Chet rubbed his hands together and filled Johnny in on all the latest gossip. It was exactly what he had needed, some normalcy. Chet was more than willing to help his friend with his recovery by talking about the nonsense that went on around the department. He even stayed and watched one of his B grade movies with Johnny.

Before leaving, Chet made a point of telling Johnny to call him if he needed someone to come over and take his mind off things. Johnny smiled and thanked his long-time nemesis; their complicated relationship would never be understood by their friends or themselves but sometimes like today Chet was what Johnny had needed.


	21. Chapter 21

The announcement was made that all off duty paramedics were to attend a meeting at the Fire Department Headquarters. Those on duty would attend and remain available from headquarters. Speculation as to what the meeting was about ran through the department like wild fire. Some of the more junior paramedics wondered if the department was cutting back and worried about the security of their jobs.

Lloyd Roberts added fuel to their worries, enjoying seeing the younger members of the paramedic program squirm. “I’ve heard that the general public is not happy and the reputation of the program is at stake…Personally I agree. Covering up illnesses and lifestyles by certain department chiefs has damaged the integrity of the whole program. We need to clean up this department.” Anyone who would listen heard his speech time and time again. By the time the meeting was being held many paramedics were of the opinion that their days were numbered since they believed that they didn’t live up to the preferred standards for a paramedic.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Roy was watching his partner and best friend check his uniform for the third time. “Johnny…Johnny!”

“Hmmm…” Johnny glanced at Roy but inspected himself in the mirror once again.

Roy placed his hand on Johnny’s shoulder and squeezed it. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” He watched his friend’s reaction carefully. He honestly thought Johnny was pushing himself too hard and needed to slow down.

“I have to do this Roy otherwise it won’t work. Chief Houts needs someone like me to give the whole idea integrity. If people see me as weak then so be it. I’m past worrying about it.” Johnny shrugged his shoulders. In truth it did worry him but because of the rumours that had already been spread about him he was only talking about what everyone already knew. He was hoping that his talk would help them understand depression and that those who suffered from it could get help and learn to live with it. The proposed group therapy sessions would be on a voluntary basis and run by the participants with at least one paramedic who had been treated for depression.

Chief Houts had had a long talk with Johnny and informed him that there were five other paramedics that he knew of that had received treatment for depression. Johnny was surprised and realised that it was something he had never really thought about until he had become ill. The therapy sessions would hopefully prevent other paramedics from suffering his same fate by giving them the courage to speak up and get help. If the therapy sessions are successful then it would be extended to the rest of the fire department and hopefully stop the growing trend of alcohol abuse and suicide within the department.

Chief Houts had been looking for a long term solution for some time because of the growing trends within the department. Alcohol abuse had become a major issue for both career and volunteer fire fighters. Alcohol being a culturally accepted way to deal with the stress, was inherent in their profession and most firemen, unfortunately dealt with stress by self-medicating with alcohol. Since becoming a chief he had seen too many firemen looking for short term solutions to cope with the stresses of the job and losing themselves in the bottom of a bottle or getting addicted to prescription drugs. It was a trend he wanted to stop or at least slow down.

There had also been some suicides that he believed could have been prevented if they had someone like themselves to talk to. He was worried about the increases in divorce and early retirements. Some of the older Chiefs had scoffed at his idea of group therapy sessions but when he outlined the statistics of the problems within the department most changed their attitudes. However, there was a small group who believed that the men needed to ‘toughen up’ and get on with the job they were trained to do. If they saw the success of the group therapy sessions with the paramedics, he was hoping that they would introduce it to all fire personnel.

Roy, Cap, Chet, Mike and Josh proudly watched and listened to Johnny tell his story. They heard some scoffs amongst some fellow paramedics but the majority sat and listened and nodded knowingly to some of the personal problems that attributed to the depression described by Johnny. He emphasised, that we the paramedics, must start to tune ourselves in to the signs and symptoms that indicate that stress may be affecting our fellow fire fighters. If we cannot recognize that there may be a problem, we will not be able to help them and the underlying problem will continue as will the trends towards alcohol abuse and suicide.

After the meeting many paramedics walked up to Johnny and expressed their gratefulness for him coming forward. Some went as far as confessing that they had been finding it increasingly hard to cope with their own insecurities and that they would be volunteering to attend the group therapy sessions.

Josh elbowed Mike and nodded his head towards a small group of paramedics. They included Lloyd Roberts and Stan Dobson, two of the biggest mouths in the department. “I would love to hear what they are saying.” Josh whispered to Mike. The engineer shrugged his shoulders and made his way over to the group. Josh stood and watched.

“What are you doing here Stoker?” Lloyd gave the engineer a small shove.

“I heard Gage was speaking and I wanted to hear why he was on sick leave. Guess I got my answer.” Mike tried to look sheepish and shrugged his shoulders.

Not quite trusting Mike, especially after having words with him during his OT shift, Lloyd said, “Yeah well we all kinda knew that Gage was a bit on the crazy side with the way he’d risk everything to save victims. Both he and DeSoto have taken some unnecessary risks over the years. You guys must be glad you’re not saving his ass all the time now.”

“I guess…it has been a lot quieter rescue wise and quieter around the station. You saw that first hand.” Mike allowed Lloyd to draw his own conclusions.

“Are you going to work with him now that you know what’s really wrong with him?” Stan Dobson asked thinking Mike didn’t like Johnny.

“Being the engineer means that I don’t work directly with the paramedics too much.” Stan smiled widely and stepped closer to Mike.

“Tell me…I’ve heard that there’s some queers amongst us. Is Gage a fag?” Stan watched Mike closely as did the rest of the group. To this day he still didn’t know what possessed him to say what he did, especially after years of remaining quiet and private.

“Noo…he’s not a fag, otherwise I would have propositioned him long ago.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m spoken for so don’t go getting any ideas about me Stan.” Mike winked at the stunned paramedic and walked away, not waiting for their replies.

Later sitting in a restaurant with Josh, Johnny and Roy Mike confessed what he had done. Roy looked at Johnny. “Close your mouth Junior.” He quickly snapped it shut.

“You knew about Mike?” Josh asked Roy.

“I had my suspicions. I must admit that I would never have picked that you both were a couple. You hide that well.” Roy stated casually.

Johnny slowly turned his head towards his best friend. “I don’t believe you. You promised to tell me when you thought someone was gay.”

“Why?” Mike asked the paramedics.

Roy cleared his throat. “We were treating a victim and he was chatting with Johnny and…”

“Next thing I knew he was kissing me…can you believe it?”

“Yes…I’ve wanted to kiss you since I met you but…” Josh looked at Mike and kissed him. “But I don’t need to because I come home to the best kisser I’ve ever known.”

Roy burst out laughing. Johnny scowled at him at first and then realised he was being teased by Josh. “Don’t worry Johnny you’ll get used to Josh’s sense of humour…one day.”

Johnny shook his head and joined in the laughing. “Ok…ok…I guess I walked into that one.” Josh winked at Roy. He now understood what Roy had been explaining about Johnny when he first spoke to him about being gay.

“You know my brother in law made a pass at Johnny. I thought he was going to faint when it happened.”

“Roy…I was just taken by surprise.” Johnny said indignantly.

“Yeah right surprise…you were either going to faint or wet yourself you were so surprised.”

“ROY!” Everyone started laughing and soon Johnny, once he got over his initial shock, was joining them. He could now see the funny side of it, even though he didn’t at the time. Roy and Mike both made eye contact. They were both thinking that it was great to hear Johnny laugh again.


	22. Chapter 22

“So, what do you think is really going to happen?” Josh and Mike were home in bed after spending the afternoon with Roy and Johnny. Mike pondered over his lover’s question. He knew the old insecurities, which had plagued Josh over the last few years, were coming to the surface and making him nervous, now that he had time to think about Mike’s rashness.

“To be honest I think both Stan and Lloyd aren’t quite sure if I was being serious. If they do start spreading the word that I’m gay…I’m hoping, because they are such big mouths and that because most of the guys don’t like them or take them seriously, that no one will believe them. I know some will just laugh in their face…that would really get up Stan’s nose. He hates being made a fool of.”

“Mud sticks Mike.” Josh simply stated not believing that this will be brushed off quite as easily as Mike described. Mike turned and put his arms around Josh. The warmth from his body melted away Josh’s fears. He cuddled closer into Mike’s body.

“We keep acting the way we are at the station. As long as we keep our lives private, no one can complain. I’m going to act the same as I always do around the station and if someone asks me if I’m gay…I’ll answer it with…Why? If I was would there be a problem? And take it from there. It’s not the end of the world Josh. Like I said before we’re not in the army. There’s no law saying firemen can’t be gay.”

“It’s the bigots I’m afraid of…and there’s a few in the department.” Josh ran his hand over Mike’s chest.

“Not as many as you think. There are more good guys than bad and the way I see it…” Mike lifted Josh’s hand and kissed his palm. “The majority will back us up. You know…it will do some of these guys good to take a good long hard look at themselves and make a stand at accepting their fellow brothers for who they really are. Johnny did that today with his fellow paramedics. The majority accepted Johnny.”

“Yeah they did, didn’t they? Even after all the rumours that were flying around…Yeah you’re right the good guys accepted Johnny and they were the majority.” Josh looked into Mike’s eyes and kissed him. He started to kiss a trail down his neck.

“If you get posted at a station that’s not part of that majority then we’ll move.” Mike kissed Josh stopping him from protesting. They made love, their passion sealing their unspoken pact, ‘Together Forever’.

Word filtered down a few shifts later that Stan Dobson had been threatened with a reprimand if he persisted in spreading lies about fellow respected firemen. The engineer on Stan’s shift had filled Mike in on what Stan was saying about him. Their Captain had called Stan into his office and given him a dressing down. The best part was that the Captain in question had also said that even if what he was saying was true that he had no right to be talking about a fellow fireman’s private affairs and to stop now or find himself on suspension.

When Mike told Roy he smiled and thought this was a small victory for station 51’s A shift. All the rumours that had been spread about Johnny and the conversation that Johnny had overheard in Rampart had in a small way been avenged. “The Stan Dobsons and Lloyd Roberts in this department are losing their influence. We can only hope that the changes the department is going through will weed out the bigots and trouble makers.”

“It’s a step in the right direction Roy…I know that the lifestyle that Josh and I choose will not ever be totally accepted but if we could just be tolerated and left alone, then I’ll take that and be happy.” Roy nodded understanding Mike’s thinking.

“Johnny’s helping Chief Houts set up the first group therapy session. He’s worried no one will sign up…that peer pressure will stop them from coming forward. A lot of the older Captains think it’s a waste of time. The old stigma…Depression is something housewives suffer from not tuff firemen.” Roy shook his head. “Trouble is some of those same Captains are alcoholics…Divorced alcoholics.”

“I guess it’s like a lot of the milestones this country has endured…it will happen slowly…and as those Captains retire the new generation of Captains will take over and hopefully anyone in the department who needs help will have the resources available to them and not feel ashamed using them.”

“Yeah, one step at a time.” Roy agreed.

“We’ll need two sessions.” Chief Houts showed Johnny the list of names already signed up for the group therapy sessions. He was surprised to see so many names. “I’m sure you’ve heard this before…but you’re not alone son.”

Johnny looked at the names recognising the majority of them. He raised his eyebrows at the chief’s statement. “I guess not.” He felt the familiar sensations of losing control of his emotions and tried to slow his breathing and blink away the pooling moisture. Chief Houts watched his senior paramedic closely and saw that he was a little overwhelmed.

“How about I get us some coffee?” The chief left his office and gave Johnny the time needed to bring himself under control. He took deep breaths and wiped away the threatening tears. He thought Roy was right, that he had been pushing himself too hard and needed to slow down. Using the techniques Owen had taught him, he pushed the overwhelming emotions away and put his energies into organising the first therapy session.

Chief Houts was pleased to see Johnny writing when he came in. They established who the most experienced paramedics recovering from depression were and set them up with the first two sessions. Johnny was pleased to see that Josh was chosen to lead a session. He knew from his own experience that he would do a good job.

Johnny left headquarters feeling pleased with what they had achieved but also heavy and sluggish from his own emotions. He went to the gym to work off his overwhelming feelings. He attacked each weight session with vengeance and over worked his body. It wasn’t until he cooled down that his muscles started to protest. Needing to talk to someone, he called into the station hoping the squad was not out on a run.

He walked into the kitchen and called out “Hi guys.” Roy stood up immediately and saw the haunted look in his best friend’s eyes.

“What’s wrong Johnny?” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. Chet and Marco looked up at Roy and wondered what he had seen that they hadn’t. Johnny chuckled slightly and bowed his head.

 _‘Damn.’_ His emotions were overwhelming him again and he was finding it hard to control them. He turned and quickly left the room, not wanting to embarrass himself in front of his co-workers. Roy followed him out back.

“Johnny?” Roy put his hand on his best friend’s shoulder. He could feel small tremors going through the younger man’s body.

Johnny raised his head and looked up at the sky. He was blinking furiously, trying to keep the tears at bay but many escaped and trailed down his face. “I feel so stupid.”

Roy turned Johnny around and placed his hands on each shoulder. “Hey…what’s all this? We’re all friends here. Tell me what’s wrong. Did no one sign up for the sessions?” Roy searched Johnny’s face for answers.

Johnny wiped away the still escaping tears. “That’s just it Roy…there’s enough names for two sessions.”

“That’s great Johnny…so tell me…what’s wrong?” Roy put his arm around his friend and guided him over to the outdoor picnic table to sit down.

Johnny let out a long shaky breath. “I guess…I…I guess it all just took me by surprise. Th…that so many others need to talk. God I don’t know why I feel so…” Johnny put his head in his hands and sobbed. Roy rubbed his hand on Johnny’s back trying to give his friend the support he needed. “Roy I felt so alone and to think that so many other paramedics feel the same way…” Johnny’s voice cracked.

“It’s okay to feel overcome with these feelings. You have to remember, this is all new to you…you’re pushing yourself a little too hard…you need to slow down.” Johnny nodded and wiped his face and under his nose with his hanky.

“I feel so stupid coming here and acting like this.”

“Together remember.” Roy shook his partner.

Johnny looked up and gave Roy a watery smile. “I guess that’s why I came here.” Roy nodded. “I went to the gym after the meeting with Chief Houts and tried to work out the pent up emotions. I think all I managed to do was strain every muscle in my body.” Johnny sighed and looked his friend in the eyes. “Thanks…I feel better.”

Roy slapped him on the back. “Good…now go home and have a long soak in the bath. Eat something and then sleep. You’ll feel much better in the morning. If you’re stiff go for a walk.” Johnny nodded and smiled. He stood and could feel his muscles already stiffening. He held out his hand.

“Thanks Roy.” Roy took his hand and pulled him into a hug.

“You’re welcome.” When they parted Roy put his hand behind Johnny’s neck and pulled his head forward and banged their foreheads together. “Remember…together.” Johnny repeated the word.

“Together.”

“Good boy…now go home and soak those muscles.” He walked Johnny over to his Rover and watched him drive away. He stood there long after Johnny had left. Roy needed to bring his own emotions under control before joining his co-workers. He had been reminded once again, that his best friend still had a long way to go before he would be well enough to be back in the squad doing the job he loved.


	23. Chapter 23

Lloyd stood outside the same door as Johnny had two weeks prior and listened to a conversation between two paramedics and Doctor Brackett in the doctor’s lounge. “We don’t need people like Lloyd in the department.” He recognised his so call partner’s voice. “Yeah they’re holding the department back with their bigotry and gossiping.” The other paramedic, Billy Hanks, added. “You should have seen Johnny Doc. I don’t want to ever be the cause of that kind of distress of another human being like Lloyd and Stan caused.” Lloyd’s partner voiced his shame in him. His partner’s words hit him like a lightning bolt and stunned him.

“As paramedics we need to put our personal feelings about certain issues aside and that includes our fellow workers. We need to work as a team not against each other. You’re not the first ones to bring this up about your partner. Lloyd obviously has problems with his self-esteem. He needs to talk down and make fun of other people to boost up his own self-worth. It’s a tool a lot of people like Lloyd use. He’s probably a very lonely man and does what he does to make himself feel better.” Dr Brackett explained and hoped the two paramedics understood.

“What you’re saying is…we have to also show that same understanding we do with Johnny towards Lloyd and Stan, and help them recognize that what they are doing when they talk about people like Johnny the way they do, is wrong.” Lloyd’s partner wanted to verify his understanding of Dr Brackett’s concerns.

“And won’t be tolerated by his co-workers…but unlike Lloyd and Stan we’re willing to help them not humiliate them like they do others.” Billy also added.

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. Lloyd has his own problems and he needs the same understanding that we give Johnny. Help him be a better person and a team player…and…if he won’t co-operate then that’s when I will step in.” Lloyd heard a chair scrape across the floor. He shakily stepped back a few paces and gained the momentum needed to walk through the door like he was just arriving. Dr Brackett was standing and turned towards the door, obviously about to leave.

Lloyd plastered a smile on his face. “Good morning Doc.”

“Lloyd.” Dr Brackett’s mouth twitched. He wondered if the paramedic had overheard the conversation. If he had, he hoped the man would take a long hard look at himself and think about changing his ways. He left the room quickly not wanting to tackle the problem before the paramedics themselves had a chance.

The conversation had unsettled Lloyd. Knowing what his so called friends thought about him disturbed him. He was usually the one in control, the one with the power, but this was foreign. His co-workers were talking about him like he was the problem. He had always thought that they agreed with him and recognised his position in the department, namely having a chief for an uncle. To suddenly realise that you didn’t have that perception and that your co-workers actually pitied you, was too much to bear.

Lloyd was seeing himself through the eyes of others for the first time and was receiving a dose of his own medicine. It left a bad taste in his mouth. He didn’t like being the one talked about. It made him see himself for what he really was and didn’t like that his fellow paramedics saw him as a lonely pitiful man. _‘This is all Gage’s fault…and A shift of station 51…they’ll regret the shift I worked there.’_ He told himself and a smile spread across his face. _‘That Stoker will definitely regret taking me on over that pathetic hotshot paramedic. Why was he sticking his nose in paramedic business in the first place?’_ He had a phone call to make to his uncle. It was about time he heard about the conversation he and Stan had with Mike Stoker at the paramedic meeting.

Johnny and Roy were working out in the gym. Johnny had been to a therapy session with Owen that morning and was more than a little anxious. His anxiety was due to the knowledge that the first group therapy session in the fire department was being held that afternoon. Roy worked out alongside his partner keeping a close eye on him and made sure he didn’t overdo it. After the gym workout they were going over to Captain Stanley’s for a barbeque. Roy wanted to make sure Johnny was relaxed and ready to enjoy himself. Cap came up with the idea of the barbeque to help keep Johnny’s mind occupied and hopefully prevent him from worrying himself silly over the group therapy session. They finished off the workout with a stint in the sauna.

Johnny stretched after putting on his shoes. “My muscles feel so much better. I have to admit I was feeling a little tense before the workout.” Roy smiled and nodded.

“You’re just worried about the first group therapy session…and that’s okay…we all are. All the paramedics I have spoken to want this to be a success.” He slapped his friend’s back. “I know these past few weeks have been hard Johnny but something really good has come out of it. You should be proud because you’re the reason this is happening.”

“It probably would have happened sooner or later.” Johnny said feeling self-conscious of Roy’s praise.

“Yes but if it was later…How many more paramedics might we have lost to alcohol, drugs or even suicide? No…be proud of what you have achieved. I am.” Johnny looked at his friend.

“Then we all should be proud…You…me…Dr Brackett…Chief Houts and the paramedics taking part in the therapy sessions.” Roy smiled and nodded. Times like this Roy could see the old Johnny, keen to see changes in the department for the better. “Let’s go Roy…I’m hungry.”

Roy chuckled. “That’s the Johnny we all know and love.” Roy put his arm over his best friend’s shoulders as they left the gym. It felt like old times but Roy was acutely aware that his friend still had a long way to go. The fog that had devoured his best friend was slowly dissipating and he and the rest of A shift were still pulling for their friend to come back to them. Days like today were becoming more abundant than those ominous dark days and Roy couldn’t stop himself from hoping that those threatening dark days were finally behind them.

The barbeque was successful in keeping Johnny’s mind off the group therapy session. His friends rallied around him. Cap sat back and heard his young friend laugh for the first time in a long time. He shook his head and chuckled at the familiar bantering between Chet and Johnny. He hadn’t realised till that moment how much he had missed it. He heard his phone and waited for his wife to call out and tell him who it was. He turned when she came outside.

“Chief Houts.” The conversations suddenly stopped and all eyes were on Cap’s back as he entered his house. They all sat and waited for Cap to come out and give them the news. Johnny’s leg started to jiggle nervously. Roy placed his hand on his shoulder to steady him. Johnny smiled at Roy knowingly. Their close friendship allowed them to silently communicate.

“I’m sure it’s good news.” Josh said to the group of men. Mike, Chet and Marco nodded in agreement. The two long-time paramedic partners were looking at each other. Johnny was hoping Josh was right and Roy was reassuring him that he was certain Josh was correct.

Cap took a long time to come back out. He looked at the expectant faces. Johnny’s leg stopped moving, his face dropped when he saw that Cap was not smiling. When Cap saw the anguish on his young paramedic’s face he immediately started talking.

“John Chief Houts said the group therapy session was a success. All the participants said they came away feeling much better about themselves.” Johnny noticed that Cap was still not smiling.

“What’s wrong Cap?” Mike asked what everyone was thinking. They all immediately thought the worst. A fellow fire fighter was either injured or killed in the line of duty. Cap sighed long and hard. He hated his job sometimes.

“Mike…Josh…we need to talk.”


	24. Chapter 24

“Sit down gentlemen.” Cap pointed to a couch in the front room of his house. He sat down slowly and carefully into a recliner facing the couch. He was gathering his thoughts as he sat down, not sure how he felt himself about what he was about to discuss.

“What’s wrong Cap?” Mike asked again, although, he had a good idea and wasn’t sure he liked how his Captain was behaving. Cap clasped his hands and let out a long measured breath.

He looked up at the two men sitting in front of him. “There’s no easy way to say this…so I’m just going to give it to you straight. There have been some accusations made about your conduct at the station. Chief Houts and Chief McConnike were told that the two of you acted in a questionable manner whilst on shift.”

“Exactly what questionable manner and who made the accusation?” Mike was finding it hard to keep calm. Josh paled at Cap’s claims.

“Now Michael just settle down and let me finish.” Cap sighed and continued. “Chief Roberts told Chief McConnike that you Michael admitted that you were gay at the paramedic meeting recently and that you and Josh made suggestive moves towards each other whilst on duty.”

“Lloyd Roberts…I might have known.” Mike stood and slightly raised his voice. “So what if I’m gay…so what if Josh is gay?” Josh grabbed Mike’s arm to settle him. He didn’t want him to say something he may regret.

“Now Michael…” Cap stood and was pointing at his engineer.

“There’s no law saying you can’t be a fireman if you’re gay last time I looked…and as far as the way we conducted ourselves at the station…that’s crap.” Josh grabbed a firmer hold of Mike’s arm and made him sit down.

“I’m sorry Mike but these allegations have to be looked into. You know as well as I do that the department can be very old-fashioned and set in their ways on these kinds of issues and they always investigate allegations of these types. It’s department policy.” Cap tried to remain calm and keep up his authority at the same time. To be honest he didn’t know how he felt about Mike and Josh being in a relationship. He never thought in his wildest dreams that he would be working with someone who was gay.

“Oh I get it…” Mike turned to Josh. “You were right…you were right.” Mike sounded beaten. That everything he had hoped for had suddenly been crushed.

Josh looked across at Captain Stanley. “What does all this mean…exactly?”

“You’ve been suspended pending an investigation.”

“So…on one man’s accusation…one of the most respected engineers in the department and the most promising paramedic to come out of the program…because of one man’s accusation they get suspended…I don’t believe it. How can this happen and why is it happening?” Johnny was appalled when Cap came outside and explained what had happened and why Mike and Josh had left without any goodbyes or explanation.

“Mike’s a queer? I don’t believe it.” Chet said shaking his head.

“Well believe it. How can Lloyd make those kinds of claims about Mike and Josh when his fellow crew members didn’t know they were gay?” Roy asked his Captain.

Cap shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know…maybe we were too close to notice.”

“Surely you don’t believe that? We need to do something about this.” Roy looked sternly at his Cap almost begging for guidance from their leader.

“Like what?” Johnny asked his best friend when he saw that his Captain wasn’t going to offer anything. Roy shrugged his shoulders showing his disappointment in Cap.

“Like go to headquarters and tell them that the claims are unfounded. Basically back up Mike and Josh. Give them our support.” Johnny nodded but when he looked at his other crew members they weren’t showing any signs of agreeing with them. Johnny frowned.

“Cap…it doesn’t matter to you that Mike’s gay does it?” He glanced at Roy, not liking Cap’s continued silence.

“Cap?” Roy asked.

“I don’t know how I feel. I’m sorry if that disappoints you but I’m just not sure how I feel.” Johnny grimaced at his Captain’s admission.

He stood. “I’ve had to take a good long hard look at myself these past few weeks. I’ve learned a few things about myself…that I’m not perfect and that’s okay…and more recently…” Johnny paused and took a deep breath. “That I can be prejudice just like the next person towards people I haven’t taken the time to understand. I’m ashamed to admit it but in recognising it I changed my attitude and realised something very important. If you trust someone and they’re your friend then just because they’re different shouldn’t change how you feel about them. They’re the same people and deserve your respect. You all backed me up when you found out I was suffering from depression because you didn’t let it change your feelings about me. Shouldn’t you be giving Mike and Josh that same understanding and support? They’ve done nothing wrong…apart from being different…I’m different but you didn’t stop being my friends. How can you stop being Mike’s and Josh’s friends? Mike has watched our backs for five years and not once have I ever had a reason to question it…and I still don’t and neither should you. ” Johnny started to walk away shaking his head. Roy stood up and followed him.

“Johnny wait up.” Roy caught up to his best friend. “Let’s go to headquarters together.” Johnny nodded and smiled at his partner. The two paramedics walked away, leaving their dazed crew members behind.

“He’s right you know.” Chet was the first to break out of the stupor and speak.

“Huh?” Marco was so deep in thought that he hadn’t really caught everything that had been said.

“Just because Mike’s gay doesn’t make him less of an engineer and shouldn’t change the way we feel about him as a crew member. We should be standing up for him not backing away.” Chet announced.

“We need to be careful here. You don’t want to jeopardise your careers.” Cap said almost absent minded.

“Cap we’re talking about Mike. He’d back us up.” Chet was astounded that Cap was not showing any loyalty towards his second in command.

“I’m just not sure about this Chet. The department frowns on these types of issues and if you go against the department you can find yourself languishing in some hellhole.” Cap rubbed his hands on his thighs. “I think you should go home and have a good think about where you stand on this before doing anything.”

Chet shook his head. “Coming Marco? I’m going to headquarters.”

The lineman looked up and nodded. Cap watched them walk out together.

“I don’t understand it Roy. I thought the department was changing for the better.” Johnny sat next to his partner and aired his frustrations as they drove towards headquarters.

“The department is making slow changes. This issue goes a bit deeper and unfortunately a lot of the older chiefs are against Mike and Josh’s choice of lifestyle.”

“Yeah but they came around on the therapy sessions.”

“That’s different Johnny…There’s no moral issues involved. A lot believe being gay is morally wrong and they don’t want it in the department.” Roy tried to explain what he thought was the department’s rational.

“I don’t know Roy…there’s not much of a difference. Some of these old school chiefs think it’s morally wrong for me to continue to be a paramedic and treat victims.” Roy frowned and sighed.

“I don’t know what to think…only that Mike and Josh need our support. We can’t let Lloyd Roberts and his uncle dictate who works and who doesn’t work for this department. They shouldn’t have that much power.” Roy turned the car into department headquarters’ parking lot.

“I have a bad feeling that it won’t stop at Mike and Josh…that I’m next.” Roy placed his hand on his partner’s shoulder.

“All the more reason for us to back Mike and Josh up, don’t you think? Who knows…maybe others will join us once word gets out.” Two familiar cars pulled up next to Roy’s car. Roy smiled. “See what I mean?”

Chet and Marco exited their cars. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“Yeah fancy that…where’s Cap?” Johnny wanted so desperately to believe that Mike and Josh had all of A shifts support.

Chet was about to tell Roy and Johnny what Cap said after they left but another car pulled up next to his car stopping him. All four men smiled and greeted their Captain when he joined them.

“What are we standing around here for? Come on…it’s our turn to watch Mike’s back.” Roy, Johnny, Marco and Chet followed their Captain into department headquarters. Cap had taken a long hard look at himself and realised if he didn’t support the men who served him then how could he expect them to respect him and most importantly how could he respect himself.


End file.
